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being yourself, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, mentors, parents, psychotherapy, relationship, teacher, trust
I wish I could have been aware when my children were little, just what it was that we were doing and saying with them that has led to this moment today. This moment today I am sure is connected, because my grown little boy is telling me that others see him in a way that is, I know, so similar to the way others have seen me. I am pretty sure that it is not genetics since change is a real thing and I have certainly made changes in how I act that defy genetics.
So just because he was told on his job evaluation this week, that he is capable and a valued team member but should own that and show less deference to the others, as I had been told many times on my own job evaluations, does not mean that that cannot change.
I have just learned that the very definition of functional includes being able to hear feedback, consider it, and adjust. So when my adult son tells me his story I encourage the possibility of change. I tell him that I paid a professional to help me make changes of this very nature, and that I struggle with the same issue of not recognizing my own abilities still, yet I see progress as I get help and actively work on it. In telling him this I am doing what I urge of my piano students all the time when I say, go home and teach your parents everything I just taught you and get a two-for-one sale on your purchase. What I learn by working with a psychotherapist to face my issues and face my fears about life, I go home and tell my kid so he can NOT be just like me, and instead he can be better.
Who knows, maybe then he will come back and teach me even more.
My Own Personal Sky 
I think children teach us as much as we teach them!
Beth, I couldn’t agree more. I am so grateful to have kids because they are my big hope in life!
Jane
Jane, It’s so easy to see the “bad” parts of our personalities that we give to our kids, instead of the good parts. And although my son is only 12, I see so much of myself in him. I’ve had similar issues with confidence that you describe in your post, and so does he. So I’ll say to him, I understand how you feel, but I think you should try this…, and I hope that he can turn things around before I did (I still struggle at 41!). I love your focus on the possibility of change and your wariness of blaming things on genetics- because that could lead to self fulfilling prophecy…
Julia,
I love it that you admit to being human too! Yeah! It is tough to see our kids ‘inherit’ our foibles but I do see them acquiring my strengths and my husband’s strengths as well. The net result is clearly good, but it is still tough to watch!
Jane
My deeply thought-out response: Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!