, , , ,

Sometimes I find I’ve left myself messages. Breadcrumbs to follow to where I need to go. Apparently it is too scary to go directly from point A to point B so I must leave myself writings, blog posts, or essays, a whole book I’ve written, or stories of my life before, so that I can find them and read them and know the truth of what I must do. I must get myself out of the isolation I live in even though to you out there it must look as though I am terribly engaged. I am but I’m not. I must share the book that I’ve written. I put it on the shelf for some years and decided it a great exercise, but not anything anyone needed to know. That was a trick. It seems I needed time to catch up in my heart with what I wrote from my head. Leave myself some breadcrumbs to follow. Stories about how I used to be lost in the world so I can see that I am not anymore.

My boy came back from a year away in South America, yesterday. Waiting for him at the airport was like waiting to give birth. I tried to be calm, not make a scene, that’s what he asked for, so okay, but let’s let it be whatever it is. So we waited and watched, grew anxious, and then thrilled at the sight of him, and grabbed him to us in a tight four-way hug all around, all of us together loving each other like I have never known before. I did it. I created a family that loves out loud, that cares and misses and loves together. I am sure of it because when I laid eyes on him tears burst to my eyes and I thanked god for the gift of this day. This day where my world is fantastic and joyful and great. I thanked god as the plane landed, that I have made it to this point in my life where I can see the changes in myself, perpetuated forward through my children.

When I read some of my stories I am shocked at what I see. A girl so lost and alone and confused. I left myself these stories so I would have no way of convincing myself it happened any other way. Seeing my son come home to us after a year away, us all truly joyful on his return, is a message to myself, a breadcrumb to follow. I have come from far away and live among others now and can see that my kids love me and love me and love me. I am not lost anymore.