My television addiction

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American Idol, being yourself, inspire, Jane Butler, singers

Have I already confessed to watching American Idol incessantly? I am serious, I collect every show on DVR and then watch it over and over again when I’m home alone.

But it’s more than enjoying the music. I want to see how the winning contestant/artist, who is new at this, gets there. That’s the part I like. I like watching people who are new at trying this thing of singing on television, in front of judges. And truthfully, anyone really good on this show has been singing for years because they indeed do love to do it. It’s that they are new at thinking of themselves as worthy of the opportunity to sing in front of influential people and millions of people.

I like watching this because there is a clear progression from people who are scared and trying it out in the beginning, to those same folks getting comfortable being themselves. I love watching this! I love seeing people get out of their own way to just open their mouths, get into their song, and let it come out. This is inspiring to me, someone trying to do the same thing that I am trying to do in my life, just not in singing. (Alas, I am a terrible singer.) I’d love to get more comfortable writing my story, hearing my own voice in it, being myself and not worrying about what others will think, or what will happen if I show who I really am. I am obsessed with trying to get there. Trying to let go of the hiding that has happened to me.

Growing up I was not allowed to be myself. There was always something wrong with that. I rarely felt I was doing the right thing, and I didn’t often inspire my parents into saying that they were pleased with me. They did not say they loved me and they did not say I was wonderful. I worried about how they felt, but I had no idea how they felt. I had no idea if they even liked me. It was terribly confusing as a kid to be constantly trying to get it right with so little information, so little feedback about anything I ever did that WAS good. I had little to go on about what I was doing right, and plenty of information on what I was doing wrong. I learned to be afraid of being myself. I was actively NOT doing things rather than actively DOING things.

So here I am today trying to figure out still how to be me!

Watching the folks on American Idol try to be themselves, which is what is needed to sing like a rock star, is fascinating for me. I see tiny developments when I watch the show over and over, that tell me the contestants are trying new ways of allowing themselves to ‘be’, as they do not stop themselves or worry about what others will think. Jena is the contestant I saw do this so well this season.

She came on singing music she wrote herself. She got better each week but you saw her stumble trying new ways. Once she even said that some things worked and some did not, showing us that she was challenging herself to try things and forgiving herself when not everything went perfectly. Yet in all that she never lost herself or her ability to sing beautifully. She kept going, kept adding new skills, and in the end she is fantastic! Always being true to herself and allowing herself to show through. I am so proud of her, and simultaneously jealous that she has people around her actively trying to show her how to do it. Encouraging her out loud, and kindly, to do this difficult thing.

I have always wanted that. So I live vicariously through the contestants on this show, not only because they get to sing so well, which I’d love to be able to do, but because they have people around them dedicated to lifting them up and showing them who they are and encouraging them to be bold enough to embrace that and share it.

A song in my heart

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American Idol, being yourself, change, dollar signs in their eyes, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, singers, words, writing

I can tell when I watch American Idol that some people do not have songs in their hearts but instead have dollars signs in their eyes. And when the judges detect no singing ability there, the contestants leave mad, their dreams of becoming rich quick shattered. In the best sense of it the show is about having a story to tell and telling it artistically and passionately, articulately and eagerly, and when that is the case, no kind of money can change those well-sung truths.

The more I watch American Idol, and I mean over ten years running now, the more I dare myself to be as bold as the people on that show. The more time goes by the closer I feel to being ready myself to face the judges. For me it is not a singing competition. It really isn’t a competition at all. And there are really no judges beyond myself. For me it is about being brave enough to finish my book and share my story. I take steps every day toward realizing that dream and so watching American Idol serves to inspire me.

If you know anything about writing you know that there are reasonably no dollars signs in my eyes. The truth is that there is a song in my heart, and when I am ready I plan to be one of the ones singing well.

A Perfect Song to Sing – again

Tags

American Idol, being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, inspire, joy, natural talent, singers

It is a painful truth that I cannot sing with glorious abandon like I want to. I am reminded of this because it is American Idol season again and I must once again live vicariously through those on this earth that can. Something about being able to open your mouth and let loose feelings, with perfect nuance, and with force and quiet and surprise and growl, drives me crazy with envy. It is the ability to express myself so clearly that I want. So….this brings me to post again, a longer never before posted version of my American Idol piece about our true gifts and the gifts of our children. This is an essay I wrote for the love of singing and for the love of children.

I love American Idol, not for the usual reasons, whatever they are, but because the show reminds me every time I see it, that we are not each born with an obvious voice.  You know, a way of expressing just who we are.  Being able to sing beautifully is a dream, but what about when a voice is manifest instead as a gifted doctor, lawyer or Indian chief?  That idea inspires me to help the children in my life figure out who they are and what that voice is.  I am inspired for myself, for Pete’s sake.  After watching the show for years now, I actually go out and try things in real life because I see someone younger taking an even bigger risk on television.  Now I am not talking about singing for me.  I am very sure I am not a singer.

And let’s face it, I will not go into all the specifics here, but suffice it to say I have changed my mind about who I think I am multiple times already.  I have watched contestants over and over again stand in front of judges and offer up who they think they are (they always think they are a singer), and then wait for a verdict.  So really, watching these young people consider who they might be with what looks like wild abandon on national television is inspiring.  It gives me courage to do the same in my own life, in my own way.  I, too, want to sing my song, share my own beautiful voice, and I want my children to sing their own beautiful songs, but American Idol-caliber singers we are not.   Apparently our beautiful songs are something else.

What keeps me coming back for more is that so many people who try out for the show are truly unclear about their own beautiful song, too.  Even Kelly Clarkson was not so sure.  When she won at the end of the first season she was asked what she would do with the money.  On the spot she said that the friend who had convinced her to try out was going to get a new Corvette!   It seems that Kelly, at first, had not dreamed she could win, but her friend had known better.   Sometimes we must take ourselves somewhere else to get a reading on how we stack up.  The show is a kind of reality check on “who am I?”  You know, just in case I am a singer, like Kelly Clarkson, and didn’t realize it.

The real point of all this is that when I see children on American Idol publicly confirm that they, like me, are not sure who they are, I wish that I might inspire their parents to guide them.  Terrible singers show up whacking out some horrible rendition of a song for judges, who cringe and dismiss the crestfallen hopeful, but it is because these kids come with the dream that they might be a singer, that this show can be instructive.  Helping our children know who they are before they get in the miles-long American Idol tryout line is a gift.

It would be nice if we could all just look inside ourselves and know what our strengths are, but we need others to help us.  And not knowing exactly who we are as parents does not prevent us from helping our children.   Parents can help children know themselves by responding on a day-to-day basis to the exceptional things they do, to help them learn what they are good at and what they are not good at.  We can let them show us how they feel, and then accept it.  Let them be who they are.  I am not talking about taking everything a child says as gospel, but instead I am talking about being the adult and watching and discerning what a child’s spirit is really about.  By allowing our children to express themselves freely with the expectation that our responses will be loving and truthful, and designed to help them get to know themselves, they have the opportunity to become whoever they are, and know it, and not become someone confused about their abilities.  The kids on American Idol who audition with screeches and screams have no one in their lives helping them see who they really are, and of what they are actually capable, whether it is singing or something else.

As parents we have a fantastic opportunity to help our children figure this out.  So be that person for your child.  Be the one who knows him well.  Watch and learn and then help him see where his strengths lie.  However crazy it might be, whenever I see American Idol I dream that I can arrive somewhere someday, presenting myself without pretense, and then just like the chubby and modest fifteen-year old boy I saw on the show once, surprisingly turn out to have the voice of an angel.  Whenever I hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio, I have that dream again, that I and all other children on earth may too someday be as lucky as she and find our perfect song to sing.