God was friendly today as usual

Tags

being yourself, change, control, dog, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, friends, friendship, goals, God, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, pup, security, teacher, trust, words

I grew up isolated and in the woods so I am always looking to nature for signs of communication. You know, a breeze or a thunderbolt or a special crash of a wave in answer to my question, whether posed aloud or in my heart. And so today is no different, as I have found my whole life, it is good to discuss my problems with the earth. I do not know why, but no one else as far as I can see up and down the beach, wanted to walk along the sand at seven in the morning in February except my pup, who heartily agreed when I asked her. So there I was again, under my own personal sky. I looked out to God and said, “I have stood on these shores countless times in my life, and I have looked out at your grandeur and your beauty over and over. You are always here no matter how many years go by. No matter how many times I look to you to show me the way, no matter how many times I look to you to hear me and see me and know me, and no matter what, you are still out there being solid and present and beautiful. Nothing much seems to change with you, gorgeous sunrise above the earth, but boy, my world sure has changed.”

That’s when I saw the sun, shrouded by gray stormy clouds, peaking out a bit in answer. Oh, yes, I thought to myself, that is how it is, my earth always responds. I can always trust that. Well what about all the troubles I feel, the pains about getting out of my isolation, and trusting that the world can take the frightened person that hides in me? How perfect is it that I feel ready to share myself more, at last, and not let fears rule my life? How perfect is it that you have been standing ready for me to say these words, because you have been sharing yourself and your perfect glory for eons already, so you know what it is. I walked along some more feeding treats to my pup every time she came back from a dig at a crab hole to let me know she is still my friend for life. The clouds shifted and a few tears flew into the wind. I stopped, and as is common for me, I addressed the world directly, after all I could not feel safer than when entirely completely all alone, and I said thank you. Thank you for still being out there for me even though so many people and ideas and hopes and dreams have come and gone. I know I can do this. I know I can carry on and be myself out in the world despite the confusion I feel.

That’s when the sun glided bright suddenly forcing clouds aside to say directly to me in a broad and winning smile, “Yes.”

And that’s when I laughed out loud, because I am sure that one footstep washed away by the sand at a time, I am getting to precisely where I have always been going.

The animal in my bed

Tags

animals, being yourself, cat, dog, marriage

I got up around midnight and wandered the upstairs, landing in my son’s empty bed because there were fewer animals there. Since I don’t use a pillow, one of my cats has claimed mine, and only at the concession of my dog who often takes a queenly posture on my Posturpedic that later degenerates into a most unfeminine spread eagle sack-out. The other cat, if I am sufficiently unconscious, plants himself literally as close to my face and neck as is possible without allowing his hair up my nose so much as to suffocate me. Round about morning when my breathing is so labored due to animal dander and there is a crushing sensation on my chest, I might wake up just in time to save myself. And when I do I see that my husband, the preferred animal in my bed, is gone.

You might wonder why I don’t shove all these creatures out and reclaim my space. Maybe it’s their tenacity, but maybe it’s just that right now it is pretty sweet to snuggle up in the sheets of my little boy who is a big guy now, and soon won’t be here much at all. I guess it’s all because I’d ruined my well-established sleep rhythm by sleeping-in for fourth of July, and then likely a failure to exercise enough on the third of July, despite two trips to the pool to do laps.

This all had me roaming the halls thinking up silly pieces to post, like this one.

Cookies and blessings and holiday joy

Tags

being yourself, dog, psychotherapy

Not to bring you down or anything, but I have been having some trouble just getting through these holiday-type days here. For instance, in the middle of making dinner a few nights now I have put my head down on the counter and suddenly started crying because my dear aunt is permanently missing and I have not accidentally forgotten yet. It could have been that I locked myself out of my car today at 7:15am and had to go to class with not a thing in my hands, and then the rest of the day kind of followed that general trend of not-so-greatness, but really, I think it’s about Aunt Gretchen. Instead, tonight the family pitched in and took over so I could cry more comfortably in the living room next to the blankets and pillows and snuggly pets and junk tv. I was brought toast and cookies, unable to manage any joy for the chicken soup I’d made for myself, and I wallowed there a while trying to count my blessings since there are many.

On November 22 I posted My dear friend the mirror remarking about my great confusion as a child about crying. Well, with all the practice I am getting right now at tolerating and accepting and allowing the sadness, it seems I might post another related story. To read this story click on the heading at the top of the page entitled, “You’ll Get Over It, Jane Ellen” and scroll to the first entry, “Not On Fire”.

My goal in posting these stories is to inspire, so if you read it, let me know what your reaction is.

Daydreaming about Thanksgiving dinner

Tags

dog, weather

I took a walk with my dog today. This is not unusual for me since the two of us walk every day. But today was different because it was I who needed the walk. It is a magical thing that happens sometimes. Just getting outside, walking through the woods and seeing the fall colors, renews my spirit. I cover a lot of territory with myself during a walk like this, mulling over issues that I need to figure out, and thinking through things that are bothering me.

Today I notice that the same issue keeps coming up in my mind and it remains present and insists on being heard. So as I walk, I walk through the points of concern and arrange them for myself. It is not a big deal, but it is not going away either.

I guess I am trying to tell myself something with this nagging issue. I guess I better deal with it so it goes away and I can spend my walk time on something easier and more fun. Like maybe daydreaming about Thanksgiving dinner.