I Don’t Have an Actual Job but I Pretend I Do at Home

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express feelings, friends, goals, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, words, writing

Draft of my manuscript and notes from a meeting with my latest beta reader.

Apparently my high school superlative award is very important to me! My classmates thought I could eventually get something done so I keep a framed picture of this yearbook drawing near my desk for emotional support. I’d hate to let them down.

They should not be worried though because I don’t seem to be giving up on this project. My latest beta readers have provided feedback after I completed a major restructuring of the story this July. It took a whole year because I read three books on the craft of writing after a Simon and Schuster editor suggested I needed attention to the underlying themes. I took notes on each book then applied those notes to the manuscript, then rewrote and reworked and reconsidered. That editor was quite right and I am forever grateful to her for taking the time to comment. Now I have addressed those themes and my beta readers have noticed.

I paraphrase below what one of my recent readers said.

“You have a phenomenal resolution to the circumstances of your story, showing tremendous strength and courage as you face the dragons and giants of your life and try to connect with them. So many people would benefit from your story because it shows a person can come out of terrible circumstances and rise above them,offering hope while working towards reconciliation.”

So, for all of you high school friends out there who thought I was most likely to succeed, do not give up yet. I’m almost there.

 

There’s a point to reading Winnie-the-Pooh every night

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contributing to society, dreams coming true, goals, Jane Butler, joy

My son is thinking of going back to his former job, one where they loved him and he loved them. They offered creative collaboration, something he realized after he left, that he loved. This was an unpaid internship offered by a financially strapped start-up company that turned into a paid one, and then whenever he suggested that he might like to take on outside work or leave for a better opportunity they threw more money at him. He is twenty-two and just finding his way in his first work experiences and for a first work experience this one was fantastic.

So the point is this, when he told me about the fascinating job that he moved to after the start-up, that pays a gazillion dollars by most standards, particularly for a young kid like him, I was delighted and joyful at his great success. But then….the perfect sounding job did not turn out to be as stimulating or as fun as the little internship that had grown. He left the nest of that first job to enter the world of ‘real’ jobs and found the disappointment of a standard, middle of the road, corporate job. At least this is what it all seemed like to me.

So last night we had a conversation about, well, basically, about selling your soul. Why have a fancy sounding job that pays a ton if you don’t like it and pine for the former, less exotic, but truly stimulating one? I felt odd about this, watching the little boy I played Playmobil games with, and that I read so many books to, and that I coached and guided to this point of adulthood, about that goal, the good job at last, and him not liking it now that he is here. What a waste to have cared so much along the way, tried so hard to do the best by him so he might find joy in life and know his potential and really be himself. And then to see him accept a corporate job and not love it, gives me pause.

One of my goals with my kids has been to help them figure out who they are and to give them courage to go out into the world and be themselves. Give to the world your gifts from God and share them. Try to make the world better just by being you and by offering up your skills in whatever way feels right. So to have him land in a fancy high paying job that feels soulless seems like failure on my part.

Reading Winnie-the-Pooh every night so he could do well in the classroom, and yelling support from the sidelines so he might feel the joy of winning a game, and then witnessing him winning accolades at the awards ceremony in high school all support the idea of him getting into ‘a good school’. Which he did. And now he is out and what was the point?

The point was for him to take all that success and support and find his way to being himself. Here he is at last wanting to use his gifts to contribute to society, but finding the best place to do that is tricky. Wonder what Winnie-the-Pooh would say to that?

I need some children to teach

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goals, writing

English class was hard last week. Somehow I’d lost my good humor about the “Bring Your Own Device to School” policy the district enacted this school year, allowing kids to bring in cell phones and computers and other devices to aid their learning. It is a fine idea and the devices were coming in anyway. It’s just that witnessing kids exercise the authority to sit with what amounts to a television set at their desks and watch skateboarding videos and youtube.com phenomena rather than prove a point with arguments made in each paragraph of a wildly less interesting writing assignment, is disheartening.

Oh sure, some days I have what it takes to inspire kids to put away the toys and then trick them into accidentally creating thesis statements just by answering simple questions about their intentions, but some days I cannot believe the wayward state of our children, and I don’t want to try teaching anything.

Some kids seem so jaded that the free education we offer is apparently not worth the effort to accept.

And that is a slippery slope.

Old home week for me

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being yourself, dreams coming true, friends, goals, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, teacher, Vincent Van Gogh

I just came from the elementary school where several of my piano students were participating in a ‘wax museum’. There was so much running around and laughing, so much excitement and fun. Kids dress up as famous figures from history, culture and society and stand at their desks as guests file by. On the desktop is a button to press to activate the character who then recites his facts and figures while wearing a rather precise costume. My favorites were Snowflake Bentley, the first person to look at snow under a microscope (he died from exposure!), the artist Grandma Moses, the crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, President Herbert Hoover, and Vincent van Gogh. The kids clearly took pride in telling the stories of their characters. Some students knew everything about the part they played and looked right at me as their told their story. Others were so shy but you sensed they took comfort in reading their note cards, knowing it would be over soon. Such a rich experience for kids, to get to show off their learning, or stretch to do something a little tricky. Pretending to be someone else, and someone notable is a great exercise for kids.

That is where I ran into my own kids’ former elementary school teachers and suddenly, besides seeing my present students in their classrooms as Florence Nightingale, Squanto and Johnny Appleseed, it was old home week for me. Five of us stood around, while the students entertained skads of visitors, and talked about my kids and what they are doing now. It was fun to hear their teachers remember how my kids were when they were little. And one, a friend now really, always says she wishes she could somehow be a kid growing up in my home! Oh, the grass is always greener! But it is a compliment I connect directly to actual dreams of my own coming true. It has been a personal goal of mine to be a decent parent so to have a teacher say she wishes I were her mother is pretty good news for me!

I loved the wax museum.

Junk TV accidentally models civility!!

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change, dreams coming true, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, mother, parents, relationship, security, trust

My daughter and I watched the entire season of The Bachelor on television this Spring, and I am so excited about how it ended. It ended with a decent guy finding a decent girl, jilting a decent other girl who was quite classy in her reaction to being dismissed, seeking to learn more about herself and wishing the happy couple well, and thus highlighting the possibility that this junk TV show could serve to inform millions on how decent people behave. I was most impressed by the father of the bachelor who said he welcomed either of the two possible young ladies his son might select, and that he’d be that girl’s biggest advocate once she joined the family. The turmoil of having to pick a bride on national television, on a timeline, when two outstanding choices were at hand, was managed with prayer, the bachelor told us. Now prayer is a loaded term if you ask me, but I see it as a code word for any kind of soul searching, introspective, meditation or reverence that includes rationally considering many options and waiting to sense clarity after doing so. Argue with me if you want to on that, but that is how I am interpreting what the young man said.

I love the idea that possibly many households across America, mine included, will learn by watching what it is to be loving and kind. This family highlighted support for one another, and as one of the young women said, everyone knew what was going on and everyone was trying to help. In an impressive conversation we see the bachelor tell his mother he values her opinion and will weigh it, but more than anything he wishes for her support whatever he chooses to do. It was the model of loving civility and both of the girls he was considering looked at this family and were delighted at the prospect of joining such a seemingly healthy group of people.

Now who knows what the truth is. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors, or what miracles are generated through skilled editing, but regardless of the validity of the scenes with which we were presented, they represented to me a wholesomeness I wish for all families on earth.

Some days kids teach themselves

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being yourself, change, goals, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, piano, piano lessons, play, teacher

Today one of my piano students, my most physically active student, dove in headfirst. I feel like it is important to follow the lead of a student like this, one who is tough to engage at times because he wants to stand on the bench, or play too many keys at once, and not necessarily do what I have in mind. Lots of days I cannot get him to join me in the pursuit of learning piano for more than a few minutes at a time, me regularly saying, “let’s slow it all down and try it again”. So when I see him assign himself the task of labeling all the notes of a new piece, I sit back and wait to be needed.

Today he did just that. He started writing the names of each note below them in the Ice Cream Boogie just because that’s what he wanted to do. He had just said to me when I opened the book to this new piece, “I could never play that.” He knows me well enough to realize it was time to remind me to write that down in his assignment book. So after “Ice Cream Boogie p. 18”, I wrote, “I could never play that.” We both know that it is a challenge I am presenting when I repeat back his own words as if they are gospel, us also both knowing full well they will soon be eaten. And that’s what happened. I feel that because he was in the mood to name the notes and was ready to see them in a new way, that he was ready to learn this piece mostly without me. And that’s what he did. Once he’d named all the notes, and believe me that took a while, I even wondered if it was a good use of our time, he just sat and played the thing. We smiled and laughed at how silly we can be to claim such things as “I could never play that”. Then I crossed all that out to remind us how quickly and easily we can change our minds.

If only the disaffected kids would write a good thesis

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being yourself, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, relationship, teacher, trust, words, writing

Both of my students came to their piano lessons yesterday, sat down and immediately asked it they could add a few minutes to the timer and set it for 32 or 35 minutes instead of 30! It is a delight to think they want to stay longer.

But what about the kids in English class I must face again today. The ones who grunt in answer to direct questions such as “Can you tell me of an instance in the book where Susanna shows she is smart,” knowing the paper proving some attribute of a character is days overdue. The ones who shut down at the very sight of me, or maybe just any adult or figure of authority. The ones who have been taught that it is a good idea to fear and deny those who reach out to help. The ones who make it plain that somewhere along the line the idea of interacting with others like me is dangerous. It is so unlike the students who embrace my help and seek me out and work with me to lift them up.

I feel for those kids in class who spend more time crafting ridiculous things to say in an effort to get rid of me, than they do crafting anything useful. They could be thinking up clever things to tell the world to get back at whoever or whatever put them in the hole they are in, in the first place. I feel for the kids who cannot see that the best way to get out of their misery is to accept the free education we are offering. What promise these kids hold that they have the angst and anxiety and pain and suffering that would speak so well to the world if they could articulate it and be brave to share it. The disaffected kids of my classroom have much to teach us all about human spirit if only they would learn to organize a sentence and string it with others to make a paragraph, use specifics to prove their points and tell us all to go to hell in a way that makes it clear that teaching kids to fear adults is a bad idea.

That’s why I try to be a piano teacher that the kids enjoy, so they want to come back, and so I can teach them there is at least one adult around who can be trusted. Not that I worry about that for any of my students particularly. But it makes me feel good, just in case.

May I air our dirty laundry?

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being yourself, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, mentors, parents, psychotherapy, relationship, teacher, trust

I wish I could have been aware when my children were little, just what it was that we were doing and saying with them that has led to this moment today. This moment today I am sure is connected, because my grown little boy is telling me that others see him in a way that is, I know, so similar to the way others have seen me. I am pretty sure that it is not genetics since change is a real thing and I have certainly made changes in how I act that defy genetics.

So just because he was told on his job evaluation this week, that he is capable and a valued team member but should own that and show less deference to the others, as I had been told many times on my own job evaluations, does not mean that that cannot change.

I have just learned that the very definition of functional includes being able to hear feedback, consider it, and adjust. So when my adult son tells me his story I encourage the possibility of change. I tell him that I paid a professional to help me make changes of this very nature, and that I struggle with the same issue of not recognizing my own abilities still, yet I see progress as I get help and actively work on it. In telling him this I am doing what I urge of my piano students all the time when I say, go home and teach your parents everything I just taught you and get a two-for-one sale on your purchase. What I learn by working with a psychotherapist to face my issues and face my fears about life, I go home and tell my kid so he can NOT be just like me, and instead he can be better.

Who knows, maybe then he will come back and teach me even more.

God was friendly today as usual

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being yourself, change, control, dog, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, friends, friendship, goals, God, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, pup, security, teacher, trust, words

I grew up isolated and in the woods so I am always looking to nature for signs of communication. You know, a breeze or a thunderbolt or a special crash of a wave in answer to my question, whether posed aloud or in my heart. And so today is no different, as I have found my whole life, it is good to discuss my problems with the earth. I do not know why, but no one else as far as I can see up and down the beach, wanted to walk along the sand at seven in the morning in February except my pup, who heartily agreed when I asked her. So there I was again, under my own personal sky. I looked out to God and said, “I have stood on these shores countless times in my life, and I have looked out at your grandeur and your beauty over and over. You are always here no matter how many years go by. No matter how many times I look to you to show me the way, no matter how many times I look to you to hear me and see me and know me, and no matter what, you are still out there being solid and present and beautiful. Nothing much seems to change with you, gorgeous sunrise above the earth, but boy, my world sure has changed.”

That’s when I saw the sun, shrouded by gray stormy clouds, peaking out a bit in answer. Oh, yes, I thought to myself, that is how it is, my earth always responds. I can always trust that. Well what about all the troubles I feel, the pains about getting out of my isolation, and trusting that the world can take the frightened person that hides in me? How perfect is it that I feel ready to share myself more, at last, and not let fears rule my life? How perfect is it that you have been standing ready for me to say these words, because you have been sharing yourself and your perfect glory for eons already, so you know what it is. I walked along some more feeding treats to my pup every time she came back from a dig at a crab hole to let me know she is still my friend for life. The clouds shifted and a few tears flew into the wind. I stopped, and as is common for me, I addressed the world directly, after all I could not feel safer than when entirely completely all alone, and I said thank you. Thank you for still being out there for me even though so many people and ideas and hopes and dreams have come and gone. I know I can do this. I know I can carry on and be myself out in the world despite the confusion I feel.

That’s when the sun glided bright suddenly forcing clouds aside to say directly to me in a broad and winning smile, “Yes.”

And that’s when I laughed out loud, because I am sure that one footstep washed away by the sand at a time, I am getting to precisely where I have always been going.

Doing your child’s homework for him

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being brave, control, education, fear, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, relationship, security, taking risks, teacher, trust

I think it starts when kids are young. There must be some trickery involved, telling ourselves that we are actually modeling, demonstrating how to get homework done, but not actually doing the homework. There must be some degree of denial happening wherein we believe this is actually good for our child. Or is there some fear under this ‘helping’? Otherwise, why would a loving, caring parent steal from their child like that? You know, taking away precious opportunities to learn and grow and mature.

It may not look like it but it is the very same thing as being too afraid to let our children try out for the choir, school play, sports team, or talent show. These are the parent’s fear, not the child’s. In fact, if we listen carefully to kids they show us that they are marvelously fearless. They have not been through the trials of life yet and so still have the joy of possibility in their spirits.

When my kids tell me they want to do something outrageous I say, yeah, show me how. Show me how to have a free heart that can see the possibilities in life and show me how to be free of the chains that hold me back. Show me how to live. As soon as we decide our kids should not do something, all because it might (fill in the blank with your personal fear), we have just passed on the limitations we ourselves live by. Isn’t it a great thought that our children can be bigger than us and better than us and ultimately pave the way for us to be free of our inhibitions?

If you know you are too involved in your child’s homework, literally doing it, you would be smart to hire someone else, like a tutor, to take your role. Someone who can keep the student’s actual best interests in mind. Maybe that way you can still feel in control but not sabotage your child’s education. And if you find yourself discouraging your children from trying for their dreams because of your fears, think again about the power of your role as parent and whether you like the idea of controlling everything they do.

Being brave and taking risks isn’t for everyone.