Silence is a form of hiding

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fear, hiding, Jane Butler

In my family silence is a form of hiding. You know, kind of going off the family grid and not talking to anyone anymore, feigning disinterest in the ways of the family. Oh, I make it sound deliberate, but really it is a form of fear one can barely help indulging in. It is a form of hiding who one is from behind a wall, scared of being one’s true self, waiting for others to be in contact as some kind of proof that you are valued, even if, illogically you are willing to wait decades. But that’s okay. It is a form of coping that may be the best choice possible.

Paradoxically, I have noticed that the hiders seem to have a high degree of interest in what the rest of the family is doing. So although hiders are silent they are keenly attuned to the goings on of their relations. And it’s easy these days to Google the family member you’ve neglected to speak to for years, to see what they are up to, or follow blogs or Facebook pages or twitter. It is easy to keep tabs on who’s had a legal proceeding or a publication, a problem or a success, without ever having to admit to caring.

I know a little bit about this since my default setting for scare is to shut down and not talk, claiming to myself all kinds of irrationalities. Making all kinds of oaths to myself about what I will or won’t do next time. Convincing myself I am not worth shit. Telling myself words of hate and self-loathing, pressuring myself to do things that feel too hard or too scary. Carrying on the ways of my parents who taught me to regard myself this way, and in turn creating a kind of comfort in such practices. It actually feels good to hate yourself when that’s what mom and dad have taught you to do, be it deliberately or inadvertantly. And so it is hard to break out of such thinking.

And even though I am not guilty of searching for family members online, I know that is what happens. There is a certain kind of glee in being able to have the power of knowing what others are doing without revealing what you yourself are doing. Or what you care about or whether you are okay or not. In not putting yourself out there yet reaping the benefits from others who do.

It’s a form of coping. A way, learned in youth I am pretty sure, that keeps one safe from people who might hurt you with the knowledge of what you care about, of what you do, or where you go. It’s a way to protect yourself.

It’s a tough way to live, hiding all the time. Being out of touch and keeping silent to feel safe. But I understand. I really do. It’s what you have to do to get by.

Effectively hiding your kids’ flaws

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control, express feelings, fear, fellow humans, God on our side, hiding, higher power, home schooling, inspire, parents, relationship, security, trust, words

I think my parents liked the idea of moving us all to an isolated spot far from the influential words and deeds of others they didn’t approve of. That way they could raise their family the way they liked and they could pretend very effectively that they had a perfect family. After all, we looked pretty good because Dad was a leader in our church and Mom worked as the church secretary. But in truth, they were afraid. They lived in fear of others discovering that they were not perfect and that they’d made mistakes as parents, and even as people, and dared not let others know. They had tons of secrets and it was important their church community not ever find out.

So, in my opinion, this was a significant mistake. Living in fear. They didn’t want any of their kids to have emotions, or be influenced by others who dared feel things. They didn’t want us to socialize and be around anyone except in controlled settings. Keeping our children so close to us that the outside world cannot threaten is a significant disservice to their futures where they will some day have to navigate without us.

Letting kids be who they are, who God made them, is terrifying to some people. It means a loss of control that could reflect poorly on them. I don’t care what I look like as long as I know I am someone accepting of and grateful for what God has handed me, children to whom I am expected to be steward. As long as I know in my heart I am honoring the babies God gave me, responding to their words and their actions and the spirit of life I see in each, and not trying to mold them into my own version of great people, I am satisfied.

My folks hid us in the woods and feared others would discover our flaws. I am putting my flaws out there for you to see, telling the truth about my life, with the hope that you will see that hiding and being afraid of our fellow humans, just because they see things differently, is not honoring them as beings placed here by someone besides ourselves. We all are flawed, and pretending some of us are better than others, or pretending some of us have all the answers, even if we believe God is on our side, is destructive.

I am sorry to report that trying to prevent our children from becoming the imperfect people they are destined to be will lead to a lifetime of disappointment. Honoring them as creatures worthy of their own ideas and actions honors all men.