Teach your kids to be honest about how they feel

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being yourself, express feelings, family, Jane Butler, love, Thanksgiving

Here’s why we must teach our children to be honest about how they feel, not squelching emotions and denying the truth. When kids grow up they must use this ability to survive the holidays. Take a look at what I mean:

I went back into scared kid mode this Thanksgiving! It happened, fittingly, when my last baby tooth broke. Yes, I still have one baby tooth that never came out, and the day after Thanksgiving the hors d’ouvres did it in. I have been dreading this my whole adult life, avoiding the inevitable.

There are many turns in this story but the end result is that I was unnerved by both this experience and the ensuing laughing and joking about my tooth problem by the gathered family. I left the room angrily telling people to stop talking to me like this. I went up to my room and looked in the mirror.  I cried. I felt awful.  But eventually I went back downstairs.

By the time I returned to the group people were mad and leaving! I had ruined what had been up until my tooth broke, about the most fun time I’ve had with family ever. We’d been to a terrific show that had us all laughing and howling with delight. And we were happy to be together, as always.

The little kid in me was a mess, though. I had acted out of the fear of the dental work to come and the embarrassment of a missing tooth (right in front) and who knows what else. And I had ruined everything. People were mad.

I pleaded with my sister-in-law not to leave but she said I had been rude and they had to go. I was shocked. I had no idea my feelings could have this effect. Thankfully, I blurted out the truth. I felt afraid of dental work and the embarrassment of a missing tooth. That I had been dreading it my whole life. That I didn’t mean to snap at everyone or leave the group angrily. That it was just me being scared. Upset by the joking. Sorry everybody, I said. It isn’t you, it is me being afraid.

That changed everything. Coats came off, folks would put the dinner together for me. I was told to go upstairs and recover, then get down here and join in the group. And by the way, we love you.

What??? This never happens. People understanding? My little kid mode swears that adults don’t understand, or say they love me. That’s the experience my little self had. People didn’t understand and people didn’t say they loved me.

So, this Thanksgiving weekend, after I’d screwed up pretty bad, I risked telling the truth. Being vulnerable to the rejection I am most familiar with, at least, that is when I am being scared and acting like a child. I was taught through years of training that my problems didn’t matter, my fears were unwarranted and wrong. I was taught to reject my own feelings as invalid and unimportant, and it has taken a lifetime to get that straightened out.

As miserable as this situation was, it worked out well because I told the truth about how I was feeling.

I aim to teach all my kids to do the same.

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Too good to be true?

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dreams coming true, Jane Butler, love, marriage

There’s this guy who has been following me around for years. Like forty or so. Everywhere I look he’s there. And he’s friendly still, and funny, and really level-headed, just like he was back in the 1970’s when I first noticed him. I was nineteen then and I thought he was a stalker and probably a bad person for taking such an interest. But that’s just how I thought back then.

Shush….I hear him coming down the steps right now. He’s been following me around, persisting in being my friend forever. Good thing too, because what did I know as a teenager about selecting a husband? It really wasn’t on my mind. I wanted to try to get through each day and he was out there making it easier, so okay let’s get together.

Despite not really thinking the best of him at first, apparently I did know quite a bit about selecting a husband since I eventually, at the urging of a friend, gave this guy an audience. She said, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see he likes you?” Sure, I told her, but he seemed too good to be true.

What I’ve learned is that my nineteen year-old self wasn’t too weighed down with other thoughts to risk trusting intuition, or instinct or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t let my head get too involved in convincing me he was too good to be true, trying to analyze whether responding to the guy was a good idea or not. And I am not recommending throwing caution to the wind while dating since the older we get the more complicated our lives get, but trusting our intuition should have an equal weight to trusting our intellect.

Obviously I did eventually go out with the guy and he’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just look at the wedding pictures. The photo of us exiting the church hand-in-hand shows me at my happiest, absolutely sure in the moment that I had just committed my life to someone who truly loves me.

It is corny to say I felt the love at the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference?

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change, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, love, Philadelphia Writer's Conference, psychotherapy, writing

Here’s something I don’t understand so help me out and tell me. I know how I got out of being an unhappy person unable to connect and engage rationally with others, it was psychotherapy and lots of it. I have often thought that it is a form of love, sold for those who can pay and whose hearts are not clamped shut so tight they cannot be methodically and incrementally pried open by a professional. In general, in life, I’ve noticed other people who seem to know, claim that love is the power that matters.

It is the most powerful force on earth. I don’t understand how the prolific writer Jonathan Maberry got out of his issues, and he mentions a few, to share love freely as he does today. Or how anyone changes for the better. A profound transformation has to occur. It’s not casual, you don’t just think, oh I’ll embrace the concept of love now. Something more provocative has to occur. It must have for him, and for the others at the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference last month, because love is indeed what I felt there. The leaders were tossing it out so I snagged some and carried it home.

It is a powerful thing that finds its way to hurt and injured folks and changes them into people who extend themselves and who care and who try to make love grow. Maybe I am always just in the mood for love, but whatever it is I am struck by the power of the idea that benevolence, generosity, kindness, patience, understanding and the like can move mountains in me.

Sometimes you have to give to yourself that which you most want from others

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being yourself, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, friends, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, love, trust

Is it wrong of me to have American Idol singers playing on continuous loop while I am home paying bills and cooking and writing a book? Is it wrong of me to want to find connection with others through a screen or a speaker?

Sometimes I feel that I have been left out of the circuit that binds others together and I cannot figure out where humanity has gone.

So it turns out that every one of these singers is telling me the same thing: I need to be my own best friend. I need to love myself. I need to accept that I am on a path in life that is alone. No amount of trying to get others to be with me, to understand me, to explain themselves to me, will do. No amount of trying to connect in a way that cannot be, will do. I have to walk alone and be alone until I connect. And until that happens I have to trust myself and love myself and be myself, alone.

And in all the moments I am next to someone who is right there with me, hallelujah for that moment. Otherwise, I am loving me because that is who I have for sure.

No matter how many times I reinvent the wheel, rediscover that I must love myself best because no one else can do it for me, I seem to have to learn it all over again. It is a long road, this life, I am in.

Junk TV accidentally models civility!!

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change, dreams coming true, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, mother, parents, relationship, security, trust

My daughter and I watched the entire season of The Bachelor on television this Spring, and I am so excited about how it ended. It ended with a decent guy finding a decent girl, jilting a decent other girl who was quite classy in her reaction to being dismissed, seeking to learn more about herself and wishing the happy couple well, and thus highlighting the possibility that this junk TV show could serve to inform millions on how decent people behave. I was most impressed by the father of the bachelor who said he welcomed either of the two possible young ladies his son might select, and that he’d be that girl’s biggest advocate once she joined the family. The turmoil of having to pick a bride on national television, on a timeline, when two outstanding choices were at hand, was managed with prayer, the bachelor told us. Now prayer is a loaded term if you ask me, but I see it as a code word for any kind of soul searching, introspective, meditation or reverence that includes rationally considering many options and waiting to sense clarity after doing so. Argue with me if you want to on that, but that is how I am interpreting what the young man said.

I love the idea that possibly many households across America, mine included, will learn by watching what it is to be loving and kind. This family highlighted support for one another, and as one of the young women said, everyone knew what was going on and everyone was trying to help. In an impressive conversation we see the bachelor tell his mother he values her opinion and will weigh it, but more than anything he wishes for her support whatever he chooses to do. It was the model of loving civility and both of the girls he was considering looked at this family and were delighted at the prospect of joining such a seemingly healthy group of people.

Now who knows what the truth is. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors, or what miracles are generated through skilled editing, but regardless of the validity of the scenes with which we were presented, they represented to me a wholesomeness I wish for all families on earth.

Working on my marriage

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being yourself, cleaning, express feelings, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, relationship

I am working on my marriage today. Not that it really needs anything special but it is time. I am not that great at finding good gifts for people, you know, at the store, but sometimes I find a good gift at home, in the living room, where the vacuuming is really needed. I worry about gifts that you buy since I have a lot of things in my life already and I don’t like adding more. It’s tricky. I know, my folks gave a lot of presents, they gave me a beach house for Pete’s sake, but their presents were not what I needed. And I grew up around seriously wealthy people who seemed to have everything you could ever want, and I am not sure that is working out so well either. But there is always that thing we cannot buy that makes a great gift. The time.

My guy is wonderful and he does great things like decide one day to put in recessed lighting because he knows how. The problem is that it makes a giant mess what with all the spackling and sanding of the ceiling afterward. So to show my appreciation for the hours of work it took to improve our home, I take the job I know my guy will do, the clean up, but that he will be thrilled to see I have done for him. And anyway, shouldn’t we dust once in a while? Like behind the sofa and into the corners. So that’s what I am doing today because finally I got a day off from work and noticed the place is a mess. That is, all except for that great new lighting in the living room.

I am taking the time to tell my man that I like it that he did that cool job on the lights, by sprucing the place up just to celebrate and to make sure he knows I think he’s terrific.

God was friendly today as usual

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being yourself, change, control, dog, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, friends, friendship, goals, God, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, pup, security, teacher, trust, words

I grew up isolated and in the woods so I am always looking to nature for signs of communication. You know, a breeze or a thunderbolt or a special crash of a wave in answer to my question, whether posed aloud or in my heart. And so today is no different, as I have found my whole life, it is good to discuss my problems with the earth. I do not know why, but no one else as far as I can see up and down the beach, wanted to walk along the sand at seven in the morning in February except my pup, who heartily agreed when I asked her. So there I was again, under my own personal sky. I looked out to God and said, “I have stood on these shores countless times in my life, and I have looked out at your grandeur and your beauty over and over. You are always here no matter how many years go by. No matter how many times I look to you to show me the way, no matter how many times I look to you to hear me and see me and know me, and no matter what, you are still out there being solid and present and beautiful. Nothing much seems to change with you, gorgeous sunrise above the earth, but boy, my world sure has changed.”

That’s when I saw the sun, shrouded by gray stormy clouds, peaking out a bit in answer. Oh, yes, I thought to myself, that is how it is, my earth always responds. I can always trust that. Well what about all the troubles I feel, the pains about getting out of my isolation, and trusting that the world can take the frightened person that hides in me? How perfect is it that I feel ready to share myself more, at last, and not let fears rule my life? How perfect is it that you have been standing ready for me to say these words, because you have been sharing yourself and your perfect glory for eons already, so you know what it is. I walked along some more feeding treats to my pup every time she came back from a dig at a crab hole to let me know she is still my friend for life. The clouds shifted and a few tears flew into the wind. I stopped, and as is common for me, I addressed the world directly, after all I could not feel safer than when entirely completely all alone, and I said thank you. Thank you for still being out there for me even though so many people and ideas and hopes and dreams have come and gone. I know I can do this. I know I can carry on and be myself out in the world despite the confusion I feel.

That’s when the sun glided bright suddenly forcing clouds aside to say directly to me in a broad and winning smile, “Yes.”

And that’s when I laughed out loud, because I am sure that one footstep washed away by the sand at a time, I am getting to precisely where I have always been going.

A child from the trenches

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, mother, parents, relationship, security, words

I get so passionate saying the things that I do sometimes because I care so much about passing on the knowledge I’ve gained the hard way, that is, being a parent in the trenches, but more importantly, being a child in the trenches. My own childhood has greatly informed me as a parent, and so I reached parenthood determined to be as conscious and deliberate in my actions as possible.

For me, one of the goals of parenting is to help my child be himself and love himself so he can go out into the world and share his abilities and joys with others, thereby making the world better. I told this very thing to a group of young mothers today, gathered to hear me talk about seizing the moment and making the most of our toughest parenting challenges. I talk about being a generous parent, able to understand that my child’s needs are frequently more urgent than my own. I just love the notion that we as adults are more mature than our children and therefore can be conscious of our needs, able to defer them to a later time. I am talking about using our cell phones, being on Twitter or Facebook or Pinterest and anything else that distracts us from being with our children in the moment. And since I do have needs of my own, I manage this by setting aside time for my children when they ask for it, especially when they are little.

I want to tell as many people as will listen that when children are small is the time to teach them that we have respect for who they are, that we are actively listening for clues about them and the direction they may want to take in life, and that we are willing to put in the time to be with them. These three things send a message loud and clear that we value our children and this in turns creates the self-esteem we all hope for.

I love spreading this message and today I say a grateful thank you to the moms at Fairview Village Church who welcomed me this morning and invited me to expound on these hard-learned lessons.

Junk television is great

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being yourself, control, friendship, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, junk television, love, mother, parents, play, relationship, The Bachelor

I appreciate junk television for its instructive value. No really. I am sure there are plenty of other ways for me to teach my daughter my values, but watching The Bachelor together, something she really wants to do, seems like a good way. Where else do I get to point out that the young lady so carefully dressed and coiffed and made up, has just erased all that by falling down, a little tipsy, at the cocktail hour? Where else do we get to witness together as objective third parties, the too low-cut dresses and too short short-shorts because we are actually seeing across the miles and into our home more high definition body parts than we want, no matter how cute the clothes around them? And where else do I get the chance to point out that I like the guy because he has sent home the girl who admits to playing up her injury roller skating just to ply more time from him?

The whole contrived situation of twenty-five women and one bachelor all ‘looking for love’ is pretty ridiculous, but just getting to say that and to have a reason to hold conversations about actually finding love is worth the farce.

Besides this my daughter helped me out all day today, not to mention all weekend. We painted woodwork together, then she did several loads of laundry and even helped me fold things and put them away, then she took out the garbage, and put away dishes, walked the dog, and otherwise made it quite possible for us to keep a schedule we wanted. We wanted to be able to walk together on the beach and go out to dinner with friends and see a movie, and do other fun things that did not have to do with housework. She works hard in high school, and works hard at the all-day work day our church sponsors in a nearby town.

So, looking forward to The Bachelor on television tonight seems quite fitting. Should we not balance our lives with mindless drivel and contrived lives to entertain and instruct ourselves?

Yes.

We are going to have to leave if you don’t stop touching things!

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express feelings, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, love, parents, relationship, trust, words

Here’s what it means to listen to a child.

Here’s what it means to be tuned in to your child.

Here’s what it means to be the grown-up in the relationship.

When you go somewhere and your son or daughter will predictably get into some kind of trouble like touching things he should not or playing pranks on others, or interrupting the overall focus of the family, I believe he is speaking directly to his parents. This is an unspoken message sent in the only way our still undeveloped tiny humans can articulate. It is the best they can do to tell us what they need, much as a baby has only the means of a cry to inform us, young children have only their actions to speak for them, even if they can talk. If they could accurately tell us what they need with their words, every time, they would not be children, they would be adults. We must read between the lines with kids and try to understand what they are telling us by their actions, with the understanding that it is not literal. They are not saying they want to disrupt the fun because they don’t like it, they are saying they have a greater need in that moment. And it may be to feel cared about, and to feel that others are willing to give attention to them instead of to something else.

So if you find your young children interrupting you when you want to talk on the phone or go on Facebook, or when you attempt to do other things, consider that they are trying to inform you in the best way they can, that they want you to be with them and to do your own activities later. That’s how kids are, they don’t understand your point of view, only their own. And as parents our job is to respect that for some part of the day. The happiness looking, most well-behaved, children that I know come from families that have adjusted their lifestyles to accommodate a new way of thinking: one that has the needs of kids reduced to a formula of listening and responding rather than going and doing, buying and having.