Cotton dresses

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being yourself, change, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents

Outfitting your daughters in cotton dresses that must be ironed after washing, to go fishing, is by today’s standards a bit crazy. Fabrics now are magically suited for outdoor living. But my mother had five kids, baskets of dirty laundry and a farm lifestyle that included such tasks.

This picture reminds me of all that my mother did to support our family. I’d claim that she did this tirelessly, but really, she was exhausted. She cooked three meals a day for seven people and managed the household in our big Victorian place for decades, with only minimal help from the rest of us. Yes, I set the table regularly, and swept the three sets of steps in the house every Saturday, but otherwise I was off the hook.  For a farmgirl, I did not have many chores.

It’s easy to forget what our mothers did to get us to where we are today, but this photo reminds always me.

The Perfect Fraud: This gripping novel explores complex realities

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Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, mother, writing

To my delight, Ellen LaCorte carries the reader inside the mind of a psychic in The Perfect Fraud.  There we get a glimpse of the physical and emotional toll, complete with the joys and fears, the discomforts and the thrill, that would come with tapping into the spirit of someone else. But it also raises the question of whether psychics are for real or not. Don’t some of them help the police find the killer? Not having ever considered much about the legitimacy of psychics, I found myself curious to follow the story of Claire, whose powers to see into the lives of others seems to come and go. Readers see what it means to have the ability to channel other people’s experiences, and to see ahead to the threats clients soon will face. This novel idea made The Perfect Fraud a gripping read.

Juxtaposed with the psychic Claire’s emotional life is the ongoing story of another woman, Rena, who goes to great lengths in caring for her seriously sick girl. Just as in the case of the psychic we are carried into Rena’s mind. She is a woman who must take dramatic steps to discover the cause of her daughter’s deteriorating health, tracking down doctor after doctor in search of a diagnosis. It is easy to relate to the mother who will stop at nothing to safeguard her daughter, and this is where Ellen LaCorte’s story grabs hold of you.

But neither Claire nor Rena are what they seem on the surface. They are more than just women with the power to affect the lives of others. As events unfold, subtle hints suggest that the narrators of these two storylines report their worlds as they alone perceive them. Suddenly their ability to see themselves clearly is called into question. The reader turns pages to see who’s telling the truth and how the lives of these two women, both caught in their own mother-daughter entanglements, will intersect.

The Perfect Fraud surprises, entertains and delights with the unexpected story of two women, each struggling to get what they need and what they want out of life while forced to face their complicated realities.

Memories

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goals, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, mother, parents, words, writing

me and Mom long time ago

Today I provide the guest writing prompt at storyaday.org. This site is considered by Writer’s Digest to be one of the “101 Best Websites for Writers” so take a look at https://storyaday.org/ to learn how you can mine your memories for writing gold.

Mother’s Day comes up for me a lot

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being yourself, dreams coming true, Jane Butler, mother, Mother's Day

For the first time I feel old and I know that Mother’s Day is doing it because I can see that my role as mother is diminishing. I have a son out in the world fully independent for Pete’s sake!

I have an embarrassment of wealth, joy that is, at what God has handed me in three great kids who are healthy and happy and here with me. We are skyping to be together today but will see each other for real next week for my eldest’s college graduation, and I am overcome with joy at the thought of all that. It’s too sweet to accept this gift from God. Such joy I cannot truly deserve. To get to see the graduations, to get to see all the proms, and to get to see all the successes of my almost-adult children is way more than I prayed God would give me.

When the kids were babies I prayed he’d let me live long enough to see them to the point where they’d at least remember me. When they passed that I wanted to live long enough so they’d remember my lessons, and after that I wanted to live long enough so they’d be able to make some of their own decisions, and after that it is all gravy – that we get to share even more of the joys of life together is making me more grateful than I can say.

Minus the sexy parts, again

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being yourself, boyfriends, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, Jane Butler, joy, listening, mother, relationship, words

I posted this a few years ago but not much has changed in terms of my teenage boy challenging me.

I just started in cataloging all the boys and men I’d ever dated. We were alone in the car with 90 minutes in front of us, just my teenage boy and myself, so I started in. I knew of no other way to impress upon him the concerns I had about his relationship with his current girlfriend. You don’t tell teenagers directly what you want because they in turn, in keeping with their job in life to separate from you after a childhood of deliberate bonding, reject it. So the next best thing is to open myself up and share my personal experiences.

Turns out my litany of boyfriends, and there were not that many really, seemed a little interesting. And I say that not because of anything my son said, instead it was because of what he didn’t say. He didn’t say a word. For over an hour he said nothing as I detailed the reasons why one guy was good and another not, from my perspective as as teen and young adult, back in the day. I explained about the one who dropped cigarette ash on my rug, the one who was a high school dropout but doted on me like I was a queen so I stayed with him for five years, the one who had tons of money and a Porsche but his friends didn’t like him, the one who couldn’t ever find time for me, and those that had only one thing on their minds. I told him the entire experience of meeting his father and how we developed our relationship and why I liked him better than the others even though at first it was not so clear. I told it all minus the sexy parts. And he remained silent. But I could tell he was listening, and he even had a few questions, particularly about his father and me. He said it was cool that Dad really liked me even though I wasn’t that sure at first. He liked that part. The tenacity of his father, in love. Hmmmm.

The point is I needed him to know that staying with a girl for years, because it is easier than breaking up, is not that great an idea, and why. I threw in some examples amidst the smokescreen.

A few months later he broke up with his girlfriend. I was surprised, that is, until he pointed out that it was me who told him to do it.

Life is scary but so what

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change, going back to work, mother, security, separation from mom

Yesterday my little friend, who is three months old, screamed bloody murder the entire time I held her. Last we visited I thought we were friends and she settled perfectly when I impressively walked her to the mirror to see the baby there. Then again she settled when I showed her my cool clock that plays music and splits into fractions that roll and turn and do acrobatics every hour (a weird modern cuckoo clock-ish kind of thing). But yesterday the minute her mom headed to the bathroom her little head swiveled and she panicked at the vision. Her world was ending and I could see the sudden separation was too much for her. As soon as her mom took her back and told her everything was great she agreed and laughed and didn’t care at all that she’d just snubbed me!

So, funny thing, her mom asked me today if I might visit next week and stay with the babe while she exits some more. We’ll try a bottle which the little one has resolutely announced is not for her, and we will enjoy being together while mom is away. It is all in preparation for her mother’s return to work in just a few weeks and for her to be able to be with others in her mom’s absence.

It is pressure on the family to have to do this. To have to get her to take a bottle, and to go to stranger-like people (she’s known me her whole life!) and to have to be without mom during ten hours of the day. But so it is, and it isn’t necessarily so bad. Life if full of pressures and these are not terrible.

I had the luxury of staying home with my kids and wallowing in every wonderful and miraculous thing they did for their entire childhoods, and I loved it. Seeing the separation between mom and babe so early, and seeing the need or desire to be at work every day instead is a curiosity to me since I did it differently. But it is all good and I am thrilled to be part of the team helping this little girl learn about her world and how it is. Glad to help.

I am joyful to be my children’s mom

Tags

Jane Butler, mother, relationship

I mean, really, you spring from the body of another person to get here, so it seems impossible that that person, your mother, would not be profoundly important. Much goes on in utero before we are born that binds us together.

So my mother died seven years ago this month. The phone rang and Dad told me Mom was dead. It had been a long road with Mom, her being so profoundly important and all. But it had been long because it never turned into what I dreamed it might be: a happy relationship. It just never did because Mom’s early life had been so hard she had no emotional space left by the time she had five kids to be available to anyone for anything besides the basics, like food and clothing and shelter. And she was quite good at those. But a meaningful relationship to treasure was not in the cards. I am sorry to still be bringing this up seven years later, or should I say, 55 years later, but it is that important.

I want mothers out there to know that the relationship you build with your children can be so much less than you think it is if you aren’t paying attention. And it can be so much more than you dream if you play fair and get honest about how you feel at any given moment.

That’s what I’ve learned about being a mom, that telling the truth about how I feel usually leads to a better day.

Sisters and brothers should love each other, probably

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mother, parents, relationship, sisters and brthers, trust

There is a reason my brothers and sister and I don’t trust each other today, as adults, and why none of us have any relationship with each other. It’s so inspiring for me, personally because now I dream of my own children being friends and supporting each other through life, and I am actively out here trying to make it happen.

My mom and dad raised all five of us kids in a remote location, a thousands-of-acres private estate dad was manager of, far from other humans. He was also the on-site dairy farmer and nearby harness race track manager, and later, in his free time, he became a lawyer.

With mom being an orphan she had no sisters or mother or aunts or anyone to talk to, and being physically isolated she wasn’t running into the neighbors who might commiserate about life with her. This, along with my father’s great need to be in ten places at once seven days a week, I believe, led her to use her five small children as a sounding board at times for her own problems in life.

Since there was not a lot of attention being handed out for which you might think we would all be vying, instead, I personally stood around hoping to hear Mom complain about one of my siblings, which she often did since she hadn’t really wanted five kids to begin with. The reason this was worthwhile was that with it came a fleeting moment during which I imagined that because Mom was unhappy with one of my sisters or brothers, she might by default like me. In those moments I felt a little important, momentarily, and I appreciated the shortcomings of my siblings. Now this may sound mighty extreme to your ears, but this is how it was.

Helping my children appreciate and love one another has not been a simple task for me. Saying my love out loud, acting out my love through kindness and patience have been the cornerstones of my effort. My case is extreme but it sure is handy for pointing out the easy way to spoil what has to be the more natural relationship between siblings. Teach your kids to love each other by modeling your love out loud. That way there’s no mistake how you feel. That way they may appreciate each other, too.

When you don’t feel the love on Mother’s Day

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mother, Mother's Day

When my mother died I heard my brother say at her funeral that he appreciated her and all that she did, and I remember feeling surprised by that information. I hadn’t noticed him appreciating her along the way and so to hear him say it gave me pause. I asked myself how it is that he had these feelings about her yet I hadn’t seen evidence of it in the way he treated her. Same with my father. He had a funny way of showing his appreciation of his wife. This being Mother’s Day I got to thinking about all this again and considering for myself and my own family how we show our appreciation.

The answer is this: daily respect and consistent love expressed out loud and in our behavior.

If your children do not show you this on Mother’s Day, or any day for that matter, teach them to do it by doing it with them. Show your children respect daily by listening to them, believing them, and guiding them. Show them your love by speaking it out loud daily and by behaving in loving ways. If it isn’t working then maybe your modeling needs improvement. If you are unhappy with your skills as a parent find professional help to turn yourself into the kind of parent you want to be and then model for your kids the kind of person you want them to become.

This is the best way to have kids who show you their love on Mother’s Day and all the other days of the year.

Junk TV accidentally models civility!!

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change, dreams coming true, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, mother, parents, relationship, security, trust

My daughter and I watched the entire season of The Bachelor on television this Spring, and I am so excited about how it ended. It ended with a decent guy finding a decent girl, jilting a decent other girl who was quite classy in her reaction to being dismissed, seeking to learn more about herself and wishing the happy couple well, and thus highlighting the possibility that this junk TV show could serve to inform millions on how decent people behave. I was most impressed by the father of the bachelor who said he welcomed either of the two possible young ladies his son might select, and that he’d be that girl’s biggest advocate once she joined the family. The turmoil of having to pick a bride on national television, on a timeline, when two outstanding choices were at hand, was managed with prayer, the bachelor told us. Now prayer is a loaded term if you ask me, but I see it as a code word for any kind of soul searching, introspective, meditation or reverence that includes rationally considering many options and waiting to sense clarity after doing so. Argue with me if you want to on that, but that is how I am interpreting what the young man said.

I love the idea that possibly many households across America, mine included, will learn by watching what it is to be loving and kind. This family highlighted support for one another, and as one of the young women said, everyone knew what was going on and everyone was trying to help. In an impressive conversation we see the bachelor tell his mother he values her opinion and will weigh it, but more than anything he wishes for her support whatever he chooses to do. It was the model of loving civility and both of the girls he was considering looked at this family and were delighted at the prospect of joining such a seemingly healthy group of people.

Now who knows what the truth is. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors, or what miracles are generated through skilled editing, but regardless of the validity of the scenes with which we were presented, they represented to me a wholesomeness I wish for all families on earth.