Mother’s Day re-do

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change, dreams coming true, Jane Butler, Mother's Day, relationship

We’ve had a Mother’s Day re-do recently. I didn’t like Mother’s Day that much this year because I spent too much of it crying. Yeah, usually I like Mother’s Day, but this time I wasn’t feeling the love. Not that my kids aren’t good to me, but really, the effort was so low it hurt.

My husband does a great job of making me a super breakfast and showering me with gifts of flowers and such, but maybe because he’s taken on this job, my kids have not felt the need to rise to the occasion. In any case, even though I thought I made it clear that I wanted hard copy photos of my kids in their lives away from me, it didn’t really happen. Somehow it got lost in translation, and on Mother’s Day I had a beautiful computer file of photos from one of my kids and no hard copies from anybody. This is not a big request, folks.

I also asked for the ability to have a five-way Skype-like phone call since we are not living together anymore, and that is what led me to tears. It actually fell to me on that day to figure out how to do it. Yikes. It took an hour for the five of us to ascertain that we could not manage a five-way phone call because of various technical shortcomings in our respective hardware. I was so frustrated at my inability to communicate my desire for the photos, or the phone call, my inability to execute this desire when it fell to me, and the whole ‘lameness’ of the situation we refer to as ‘Mother’s Day’.

So, I called for a Mother’s Day re-do. This time I was definitely explicit about what I wanted. Hard copy photos, please. Many arrived in my hands just days after my breakdown with the kids. This time I wanted more than just a phone call, too. I wanted a real in-person fun day together where it was evident that kids went out of their way to celebrate their mom. I wanted kids to cook a meal for me, sit in the backyard enjoying it, and I wanted to know we have the capability, really this time, of having a five-way call once everyone goes back to college or their lives or whatever.

Given that everyone was poised to make a super looking meal, at my request, I felt free that morning to do something I have always wanted to do. Even though I wanted the kids to cook for me, I got up extra-early and made homemade cinnamon buns complete with a double rising (went back to bed for the 2 1/2 hours of risings) that I served piping hot, to my own delight!

I have failed to insist on being shown the love I know my kids have for me. And I have not adequately taught them how to demonstrate this love. I might have taught them inadvertently to take me for granted. I know my kids just needed me to tell them this. They just needed me to be explicit about my feelings, to let them know that ‘not much’ wasn’t enough, and that I feel I deserve more. I know I deserve more because I have tried hard to raise my kids with love and kindness and thoughtfulness, and even if I haven’t been successful at that, my effort has been stellar.

We had a wonderful day of cooking, eating, and hanging out in the yard. I had the unusual experience of sitting at my own kitchen table really getting to know my sons’ girlfriends, while others cooked. I was a guest in my own kitchen, and I loved it.

I proposed that this be our first annual Mother’s Day re-do, and everyone agreed to make it a re-do on the first try next time.

Mother’s Day comes up for me a lot

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being yourself, dreams coming true, Jane Butler, mother, Mother's Day

For the first time I feel old and I know that Mother’s Day is doing it because I can see that my role as mother is diminishing. I have a son out in the world fully independent for Pete’s sake!

I have an embarrassment of wealth, joy that is, at what God has handed me in three great kids who are healthy and happy and here with me. We are skyping to be together today but will see each other for real next week for my eldest’s college graduation, and I am overcome with joy at the thought of all that. It’s too sweet to accept this gift from God. Such joy I cannot truly deserve. To get to see the graduations, to get to see all the proms, and to get to see all the successes of my almost-adult children is way more than I prayed God would give me.

When the kids were babies I prayed he’d let me live long enough to see them to the point where they’d at least remember me. When they passed that I wanted to live long enough so they’d remember my lessons, and after that I wanted to live long enough so they’d be able to make some of their own decisions, and after that it is all gravy – that we get to share even more of the joys of life together is making me more grateful than I can say.

When you don’t feel the love on Mother’s Day

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mother, Mother's Day

When my mother died I heard my brother say at her funeral that he appreciated her and all that she did, and I remember feeling surprised by that information. I hadn’t noticed him appreciating her along the way and so to hear him say it gave me pause. I asked myself how it is that he had these feelings about her yet I hadn’t seen evidence of it in the way he treated her. Same with my father. He had a funny way of showing his appreciation of his wife. This being Mother’s Day I got to thinking about all this again and considering for myself and my own family how we show our appreciation.

The answer is this: daily respect and consistent love expressed out loud and in our behavior.

If your children do not show you this on Mother’s Day, or any day for that matter, teach them to do it by doing it with them. Show your children respect daily by listening to them, believing them, and guiding them. Show them your love by speaking it out loud daily and by behaving in loving ways. If it isn’t working then maybe your modeling needs improvement. If you are unhappy with your skills as a parent find professional help to turn yourself into the kind of parent you want to be and then model for your kids the kind of person you want them to become.

This is the best way to have kids who show you their love on Mother’s Day and all the other days of the year.

My happy colossal family dysfunction

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being yourself, change, China, dreams coming true, express feelings, friendship, goals, illness, inspire, joy, mother, Mother's Day, relationship, sister, trust

The ‘international straw’ was explained to me by my nephew who is living in China. Instead of a can and a string there is a straw that goes under the ocean, he told me, thus aiding our phone calls. Today he literally sounded under water, so apparently a leak sprung, but sorry I was not. To get a call from my sister’s son, for Mother’s Day, underwater or not, considering his mother is gone and he’s thinking of me instead, is an honor I might not have had.

As sad as it is that Jackie is gone, many doors were opened by her illness and death. The last few years of her life I called her weekly, an unheard of idea for us, and laughed and made memories that wouldn’t otherwise have been made. She and I weren’t friends enough for that before, but I showed her and I showed myself that there are ways to make it work. And her sons wouldn’t be looking to me to fill a gap, probably, if she were still here. The relationships I am building with them are presents to me that feel golden given our colossal family dysfunction.

I smile to myself that I have figured out how to do this, how to make friends with them even as the relationships with my siblings hang on by barely a thread. It is hard to undo history, but building a new future I certainly plan to do.

Debit emergencies such as hunger and thirst

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being yourself, change, control, debit, dreams coming true, emergency, express feelings, fear, goals, inspire, Mother's Day, parents, relationship, teacher

Today I will take away the debit card of my teenage boy because he still isn’t getting how it works. We put him on a cash only lifestyle with the goal of teaching him how to watch $50 sit in the checking account as an established minimum for emergency use only. This was the decision after months of frustration watching him blow through his money and keeping no balance in the account and even incurring overdraft charges due to debit emergencies such as hunger and thirst. So we helped him build up the base to $50 and set the goal of just leaving it there. It is money still present because he used restraint and never spent it for everyday needs. Until yesterday.

Yes, I might forgive him for buying a $6 Mother’s Day card with his look-at-but-do-not-use debit card because the sentiment is sweet, and impressively did not address his own certain starvation.

But there will be a new effort to find a way to teach this guy how to use the card, soon, before he leaves us for a year to live in South America learning other lessons we cannot possibly teach him.

Having a wonderful Mother’s Day is not important to me

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, family, fear, goals, inspire, joy, ladder, love, mother, Mother's Day, relationship

As soon as my first baby was born twenty-one years ago I ordered, through the mail, a metal ladder made of chain links that I have kept under my bed ever since. I entertained my family for years by dragging every babysitter my kids ever had to my bedroom, pulling out the brand new but dusty box, and opening the lid to reveal the gleaming metal ladder while explaining, “If there’s a fire you’ll be prepared to install this over the window frame upstairs here, and carry each of my kids to safety.”

Seriously…. At least I paid them well.

I have always believed that if I could have kids, love them well, and then get them safely to adulthood, I’d have a loving family for life. The family I came from is fraught with members who have run to faraway places and slammed the door shut, or disengaged because I wasn’t doing things the right way, or were too afraid to risk relationships with anyone at all, and in general have not been very interested in being a family. So my big hope has been growing a family of my own.

The social pressure to ‘have a wonderful Mother’s Day’ is not important to me because every day that I have my kids in my life, being the people they are, and loving me out loud is a wonderful Mother’s Day despite the rest of the required trappings. That I figured out how to get all this is the success of my life.