Some days kids teach themselves

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being yourself, change, goals, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, piano, piano lessons, play, teacher

Today one of my piano students, my most physically active student, dove in headfirst. I feel like it is important to follow the lead of a student like this, one who is tough to engage at times because he wants to stand on the bench, or play too many keys at once, and not necessarily do what I have in mind. Lots of days I cannot get him to join me in the pursuit of learning piano for more than a few minutes at a time, me regularly saying, “let’s slow it all down and try it again”. So when I see him assign himself the task of labeling all the notes of a new piece, I sit back and wait to be needed.

Today he did just that. He started writing the names of each note below them in the Ice Cream Boogie just because that’s what he wanted to do. He had just said to me when I opened the book to this new piece, “I could never play that.” He knows me well enough to realize it was time to remind me to write that down in his assignment book. So after “Ice Cream Boogie p. 18”, I wrote, “I could never play that.” We both know that it is a challenge I am presenting when I repeat back his own words as if they are gospel, us also both knowing full well they will soon be eaten. And that’s what happened. I feel that because he was in the mood to name the notes and was ready to see them in a new way, that he was ready to learn this piece mostly without me. And that’s what he did. Once he’d named all the notes, and believe me that took a while, I even wondered if it was a good use of our time, he just sat and played the thing. We smiled and laughed at how silly we can be to claim such things as “I could never play that”. Then I crossed all that out to remind us how quickly and easily we can change our minds.

Junk television is great

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being yourself, control, friendship, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, junk television, love, mother, parents, play, relationship, The Bachelor

I appreciate junk television for its instructive value. No really. I am sure there are plenty of other ways for me to teach my daughter my values, but watching The Bachelor together, something she really wants to do, seems like a good way. Where else do I get to point out that the young lady so carefully dressed and coiffed and made up, has just erased all that by falling down, a little tipsy, at the cocktail hour? Where else do we get to witness together as objective third parties, the too low-cut dresses and too short short-shorts because we are actually seeing across the miles and into our home more high definition body parts than we want, no matter how cute the clothes around them? And where else do I get the chance to point out that I like the guy because he has sent home the girl who admits to playing up her injury roller skating just to ply more time from him?

The whole contrived situation of twenty-five women and one bachelor all ‘looking for love’ is pretty ridiculous, but just getting to say that and to have a reason to hold conversations about actually finding love is worth the farce.

Besides this my daughter helped me out all day today, not to mention all weekend. We painted woodwork together, then she did several loads of laundry and even helped me fold things and put them away, then she took out the garbage, and put away dishes, walked the dog, and otherwise made it quite possible for us to keep a schedule we wanted. We wanted to be able to walk together on the beach and go out to dinner with friends and see a movie, and do other fun things that did not have to do with housework. She works hard in high school, and works hard at the all-day work day our church sponsors in a nearby town.

So, looking forward to The Bachelor on television tonight seems quite fitting. Should we not balance our lives with mindless drivel and contrived lives to entertain and instruct ourselves?

Yes.

Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek plays with us

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being yourself, Dr. Kathryn Hirsch-Pasek, Einstein Never Used Flashcards, games, infant language development, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents, play, playing, relationship, security, teacher, Temple University, trust, words

What I liked most about the talk I attended last night is the idea proposed that we, the parents of preschool children, are THE best toy our babies ever have, and that we as people trump anything you can buy or put in front of your child.

This I learned at a talk hosted by the West Chester Preschool Parent’s Club and given by Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek, professor at Temple University and author of the book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards. She is an expert on language development in infants and had plenty to say about the importance of play. In modeling this idea for us she used no fewer than three different delightfully put-on accents (British, Brooklyn?, Jewish?) sprinkled throughout her talk, an easy way to play with your kids just by being. But also she tells us that stacking up blocks, reading books together, making up games in the grocery store and in the doctor’s office waiting room and in the bus on the way to wherever, are the kinds of activities that help children grow emotionally and grow into flexible thinkers, precisely what she says they as individuals and we as a society need now going into the future.

She touted the ideas of the six C’s, the report card of the future. She has us measuring the education of our children in a way that shows their likely ability to make it in the workplace and in the world of 2043, the professional future of today’s preschoolers. She points out that knowing more than others by memorizing facts is an idea already outdated, handily displaced by computers. It is instead Collaboration, Communication, Content, Critical Thinking, Confidence and Creative Innovation that one needs to develop today.

But for me a topic she mentioned only in passing, but truly the one I love most, is that the truth of playing with children is that there is pure joy in it for us as adults. Having kids gives me the chance to do it again because after all playing is by definition FUN. I grant myself the time to do it, recognizing what Dr. Hirsch-Pasek confirms, it is just plain good for kids who benefit in myriad ways we can never fully appreciate, but also because I know it is good for me as well. It is good to indulge in the opportunity to be a kid again, with no worries. It is good to give ourselves a moment of the freedom of free time unattached to expense or obligation or status or any of the other things that typically go with our own adult versions of play. Kid play is different and truly magical if you let it be. Puppets will speak out loud your subconscious for you, and coloring in abstract designs that a Rorschach theorist might enjoy, are moments we do not typically allow. For me, being home alone with little kids, playing and engaging in deliberate eye contact, and building the kind of relationship I never got with my own mother, was a passion that kept us ‘too busy’ to sign up for more organized programs. Playing is important to me.

In the end I had the fun of play with each of my three kids in a game that lasted until each grew big enough to run away to the next phase of life. Yes, I had grown up things to do too, but I allowed myself that release a little at a time (Dr. Hirsch-Pasek suggests two minutes at least) because I am adult and can grant myself whatever I see fit. And playing is good for us all. The time they are little is fleeting, and now, with mine at 21, 18 and 15, play of that nature, the kind that builds kids into who they will someday be, is long gone. When do you get to skip as an adult? You don’t. Time like that is fleeting and boy am I glad I seized it when I could.

See Dr. Hirsch-Pasek’s website for more ideas about playing with kids and building your child’s great big important really cool and competitive future.

Somebody’s got to take the risks: my kid bungee jumping, ho hum

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being yourself, bungee jumping, bungee jumping in Ecuador, fear, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, play, trust, using shopping carts as go carts

There have got to be people in the world willing to take risks. Weren’t the parents of the astronauts who were jettisoned into outer space proud of their children’s ability to stand tall in the face of fear? And therefore I am glad of my son Andrew who does his part with barely a word about it, by bungee jumping off a bridge over the cascading rock-filled waters below, in Ecuador. As I have said before, the kid at the other end of my Facetime chats was once a little boy who scared me then too with his bold physical antics like flying down our steep street using a shopping cart like a go cart. I’m used to it because this is what he does.

Here’s the video of him making it look quite easy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJadBzFloBQ

Real interaction with others

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fear, goals, inspire, Michael Welner, play, psychotherapy, security

A very passionate and knowledgeable forensic psychiatrist on television today said we should nurture creativity and constructive activities for children rather than destructive activities. Yeah! Take a look at this video of Michael Welner and see how he calls each of us to be responsible parents who encourage psychologically healthy activities in our children. Although he talks about video games for older kids I know we would be smart to avoid letting electronic games for our littlest children become substitutes for real interaction with others.

Christmas Eve parade

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being yourself, Christmas Eve, friends, friendship, joy, listening, mentors, parents, play, relationship

When my husband and I were first married and were so young and impressionable, we went to his aunt Maureen’s and his uncle, Meathead’s, every year on Christmas Eve. They lived on Fulton Street in Buffalo, and it was a modest gathering with modest food in a modest house, and I loved it. I loved it because the one thing it had that was not modest at all were the connections between the people who came and went. Folks arrived at the door, both unannounced and expected, and were welcomed like kings. They were offered a drink, some food, a seat, and all the time in the world. I learned from Maureen and Meathead what it is to have relationships. A parade of them passed through the kitchen on Fulton Street before my eyes. There were inside jokes and stories galore, like I never saw. They could go all night laughing about some crazy thing somebody did. It was foreign to me and I was spellbound. These folks cared for each other and you could tell!

Novelty that it was then, I see now it is how it should be for all of us. It is what we should deliver to our children as best we can, this understanding that we are all in this together and sharing time and concern with one another is the way to be.

Pass that baby over here

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being yourself, control, friends, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents, passing around a baby, play, security, teacher

We passed around a baby last night at a dinner party. This kid was happy as a clam, unconcerned that his parents have been away for two weeks while a host of other humans care for him. The guy was a king with everyone mesmerized by his little bird mouth opening and closing for the food being shoveled in as he sat in a high chair plowing through his dinner. Ears craned against the party noise later on to see if that was the baby monitor squawking or the background music on the kid’s video games. The guy cooed and smiled and entertained us all while he rolled through his life full of willing faces.

This is not how any of my kids were raised. The extended family this guy was born into is huge and has arms outstretched to look after him. I’m even sort of in it. There were not so many clamoring hands outstretched towards my kids when they were growing up.

This is one of the great random happenings of life. Rich or poor, in city or country, or whatever the circumstance, you just might be born into a community of people who welcome children and support them, or you might not. You might be born into a place where nobody’s paying much attention. One of the things I’ve learn in life is that it is important to surround yourself with people who lift you up, whether that happens to you naturally or not.

It’s a choice. I used to adopt preschool teachers and kindergarten teachers, Sunday School teachers, neighbors, parents of my friends and any other willing participants into my world of folks who would lift me up and lift up my children with me. Well, actually, I still do this. I understand it is not something I missed out on so much as something I need to go get. My kids’ babysitter is in her thirties now, and just announced she’s having a baby. We will all be there, me and my husband and my kids, among the helping hands that pass around that baby and support him and help him grow in life. I simply owe that favor back to the world and certainly back to my babysitter.

Loving life, just as I hoped for my boy

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being yourself, dreams coming true, exchange student, express feelings, friends, inspire, joy, listening, outlet for emotions, piano lessons, play, playing guitar, words, writing

I just watched a video of my son, Andrew, posted with his buddy, Theo from Minnesota, who is also an exchange student, and they are singing their hearts out specifically to their parents from across the globe. For me there is something about hearing singing, especially lone voices, that makes me very happy, and to have it be my own boy, well, that is fantastic.

When I was young I always said my kids would have to play piano, or sing, or dance, or somehow have an outlet for expressing themselves besides just talking. I worried about whether anyone would be listening to their talk, because no one was in my childhood, even though I knew it would be me who potentially might not be listening. So to me, it seems wildly important that kids have some kind of art because unless you are a writer words are inadequate to express the inevitable frustrations of life. I insisted my kids take piano lessons for at least five years because I know that that’s enough to really learn how to play. Being Andrew, after the piano lessons he moved on to learning drums and then guitar, and then singing and athletics, and eventually to flying away to live with people in another world.

Seeing Andrew so far from home, locating a guitar for himself, and a buddy to sing with, and serenading us across the internet could not be sweeter. In so many ways it tells me that he is fine and doing well and loving life just as I hoped for him.

Some kids just hide under the sink

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being yourself, childhood hives, control, Duplo, express feelings, games, inspire, joy, listening, Manahttans, migraine headaches in children, parents, play, playing with blocks, playing with dolls, trust

Sometimes I just feel like hiding. The facts of life are too tough to take and I want to get away from whatever threat they pose. That’s when I might step into the woods and let them wrap themselves around me. I might step into a book or the newspaper, a movie, music, art, or a really large Manhattan. I relax with friends or I play games with my family, but any way I do it I disengage from my life for a little while.

As a kid my options were a little trickier, so that’s why I ended up disengaging by stepping into massive migraine headaches, pretending away things too hard to face, popping out hives all over my body, and not talking. The job of growing up, of learning what life is like, is exhausting for kids because the rate at which new experiences appear can be overwhelming. Practically everything is new when you’ve only been on earth three years! Not to mention, children are emotionally undeveloped and are reasonably frightened by simple threats.

That’s why giving your kids completely unscheduled time is fantastic. That’s why encouraging playing in the back yard is your job as a parent. That’s why creative toys like Duplo, blocks, dolls, crayons and balls are wonderful. There is room in any of these ideas to allow kids to create a space away from reality that satisfies the need to get out of here for a while, and to get a respite from the facts of life.

Kids need to be my friends

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being yourself, change, control, friends, inspire, joy, play, toys

I can’t help but notice that sometimes little kids know lots more than I do. Today the younger brother of my piano student, who is maybe five years old, was playing Disney games on a portable toy, but all the colorful Mickey Mouse animation kept me from recognizing what he held was an iPad. I need him to show me around his iPad sometime so I am not so easily fooled by the world around me. Not only that, last week, after my latest presentation to parents of preschoolers, it was suggested to me that I use an iPad rather than the old fashioned papers I rustle around. Maybe my new buddy could get me started.

Ah, yes, isn’t that the way, the longer I live the more I realize it is important I keep children with me among my friends.