Let me out of my life

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being yourself, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, Goodworks, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, Quaker Meeting, security, teacher, trust, words, writing

Yesterday, Sunday, I wrote this.

I have no desire to run into myself today, in fact, I am actively trying to run away, hide, be somewhere where I won’t know what’s on my mind. Others drink, I hide. So at the Quaker Meeting, (and really I didn’t even want to be here because I know that just like when I was a kid, alone in Arden, there is nowhere to go to get away from myself), I sit on the back bench in the corner, eyes wide open hoping to stay present and aware of today, and not fall backwards into memories of what once was. Typically, like most everyone else my eyes are closed, but not today.

Working on my memoir, rewriting it, re-reading it, reliving all the old stories, and tough ones too, is tricky. Reading in detail scenes of me as a young adult afraid my father would stalk and kill me, or remembering finding people for the first time I felt I could trust, and remembering the isolation of a whole childhood, immersing myself in all that so I can tell it to you clearly and accurately, so you can feel the story, too, is dangerous. It’s hard not to relive a little of it and forget that it is all history and no longer really my life. Oh, I wish I could say I don’t suffer from any of that anymore but I do. I do all the time, just not so acutely.

So I am sitting in a back corner of the Meeting House now as I scratch this out on a shred of paper, trying to put myself back together after another early morning session of working on my manuscript. It’s okay, I tell myself, things are different now. I am able to relate, able to feel, able to be, so much better. Yesterday at Goodworks, where we make houses safer, dryer and warmer, I eagerly volunteered to go under a deck in the mud on my belly, with Ed my new friend, to jack it up and put in a new 4×4 support at a joist to lift the sagging boards. I loved it. Thank you, God, I loved doing that. I loved it because of getting dirty, and accomplishing a task with a team, of helping, of it raining and me getting to be among the elements, of comraderie and discipline and patience, and hardly any of that was for the homeowner whose home we were improving.

Earlier this week I told the ten-minute version of my life story to a gentleman I am trying to help through my church, who otherwise would have no way of knowing who I am. I tried to explain why I am so passionate about the things I chose to do. How I feel alone and want to connect. Oh, he felt my passion to help he said, the first time we met weeks earlier, but now he understands it better. I opened my 1983 personal bookkeeping records and walked him through my finances for that year. All I did is read each line, $65 for gas this month, $385 for rent, etc. to show how to make a budget using actual people’s real numbers. Then we moved on to 1990 where I had assets beyond my engagement and wedding rings, and the record was typed and not handwritten. By 1996, it was computer generated and I had Certificates of Deposit. I spent twenty minutes discussing everything I know about how CD’s work before our time was up. The gentleman wondered if we could do this again, and next time maybe discuss money market accounts. I have no special financial training but it seems my past isolation has led me to keep careful records, always aware I am on my own with no one out there to catch me if I fall. But I love life in the moments that I am sharing what I know.

I do these kinds of things to feel like I am part of the human race. To be one of the people who helps and not a lonely person at home disconnected and confused even though that is the default world I sometimes live in when I read my own book too much. Because that is how it used to be.

At the Meeting House I would crawl into the corner behind me and exit my life if I thought I could, because working on my book is hard. But I am determined to finish this year and get it off to publishers and be done with this phase of telling my story. I’ve got my eyes open at Meeting today because I just don’t want to look back.

God was friendly today as usual

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being yourself, change, control, dog, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, friends, friendship, goals, God, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, pup, security, teacher, trust, words

I grew up isolated and in the woods so I am always looking to nature for signs of communication. You know, a breeze or a thunderbolt or a special crash of a wave in answer to my question, whether posed aloud or in my heart. And so today is no different, as I have found my whole life, it is good to discuss my problems with the earth. I do not know why, but no one else as far as I can see up and down the beach, wanted to walk along the sand at seven in the morning in February except my pup, who heartily agreed when I asked her. So there I was again, under my own personal sky. I looked out to God and said, “I have stood on these shores countless times in my life, and I have looked out at your grandeur and your beauty over and over. You are always here no matter how many years go by. No matter how many times I look to you to show me the way, no matter how many times I look to you to hear me and see me and know me, and no matter what, you are still out there being solid and present and beautiful. Nothing much seems to change with you, gorgeous sunrise above the earth, but boy, my world sure has changed.”

That’s when I saw the sun, shrouded by gray stormy clouds, peaking out a bit in answer. Oh, yes, I thought to myself, that is how it is, my earth always responds. I can always trust that. Well what about all the troubles I feel, the pains about getting out of my isolation, and trusting that the world can take the frightened person that hides in me? How perfect is it that I feel ready to share myself more, at last, and not let fears rule my life? How perfect is it that you have been standing ready for me to say these words, because you have been sharing yourself and your perfect glory for eons already, so you know what it is. I walked along some more feeding treats to my pup every time she came back from a dig at a crab hole to let me know she is still my friend for life. The clouds shifted and a few tears flew into the wind. I stopped, and as is common for me, I addressed the world directly, after all I could not feel safer than when entirely completely all alone, and I said thank you. Thank you for still being out there for me even though so many people and ideas and hopes and dreams have come and gone. I know I can do this. I know I can carry on and be myself out in the world despite the confusion I feel.

That’s when the sun glided bright suddenly forcing clouds aside to say directly to me in a broad and winning smile, “Yes.”

And that’s when I laughed out loud, because I am sure that one footstep washed away by the sand at a time, I am getting to precisely where I have always been going.

Doing your child’s homework for him

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being brave, control, education, fear, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, relationship, security, taking risks, teacher, trust

I think it starts when kids are young. There must be some trickery involved, telling ourselves that we are actually modeling, demonstrating how to get homework done, but not actually doing the homework. There must be some degree of denial happening wherein we believe this is actually good for our child. Or is there some fear under this ‘helping’? Otherwise, why would a loving, caring parent steal from their child like that? You know, taking away precious opportunities to learn and grow and mature.

It may not look like it but it is the very same thing as being too afraid to let our children try out for the choir, school play, sports team, or talent show. These are the parent’s fear, not the child’s. In fact, if we listen carefully to kids they show us that they are marvelously fearless. They have not been through the trials of life yet and so still have the joy of possibility in their spirits.

When my kids tell me they want to do something outrageous I say, yeah, show me how. Show me how to have a free heart that can see the possibilities in life and show me how to be free of the chains that hold me back. Show me how to live. As soon as we decide our kids should not do something, all because it might (fill in the blank with your personal fear), we have just passed on the limitations we ourselves live by. Isn’t it a great thought that our children can be bigger than us and better than us and ultimately pave the way for us to be free of our inhibitions?

If you know you are too involved in your child’s homework, literally doing it, you would be smart to hire someone else, like a tutor, to take your role. Someone who can keep the student’s actual best interests in mind. Maybe that way you can still feel in control but not sabotage your child’s education. And if you find yourself discouraging your children from trying for their dreams because of your fears, think again about the power of your role as parent and whether you like the idea of controlling everything they do.

Being brave and taking risks isn’t for everyone.

A child from the trenches

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, mother, parents, relationship, security, words

I get so passionate saying the things that I do sometimes because I care so much about passing on the knowledge I’ve gained the hard way, that is, being a parent in the trenches, but more importantly, being a child in the trenches. My own childhood has greatly informed me as a parent, and so I reached parenthood determined to be as conscious and deliberate in my actions as possible.

For me, one of the goals of parenting is to help my child be himself and love himself so he can go out into the world and share his abilities and joys with others, thereby making the world better. I told this very thing to a group of young mothers today, gathered to hear me talk about seizing the moment and making the most of our toughest parenting challenges. I talk about being a generous parent, able to understand that my child’s needs are frequently more urgent than my own. I just love the notion that we as adults are more mature than our children and therefore can be conscious of our needs, able to defer them to a later time. I am talking about using our cell phones, being on Twitter or Facebook or Pinterest and anything else that distracts us from being with our children in the moment. And since I do have needs of my own, I manage this by setting aside time for my children when they ask for it, especially when they are little.

I want to tell as many people as will listen that when children are small is the time to teach them that we have respect for who they are, that we are actively listening for clues about them and the direction they may want to take in life, and that we are willing to put in the time to be with them. These three things send a message loud and clear that we value our children and this in turns creates the self-esteem we all hope for.

I love spreading this message and today I say a grateful thank you to the moms at Fairview Village Church who welcomed me this morning and invited me to expound on these hard-learned lessons.

Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek plays with us

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being yourself, Dr. Kathryn Hirsch-Pasek, Einstein Never Used Flashcards, games, infant language development, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents, play, playing, relationship, security, teacher, Temple University, trust, words

What I liked most about the talk I attended last night is the idea proposed that we, the parents of preschool children, are THE best toy our babies ever have, and that we as people trump anything you can buy or put in front of your child.

This I learned at a talk hosted by the West Chester Preschool Parent’s Club and given by Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek, professor at Temple University and author of the book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards. She is an expert on language development in infants and had plenty to say about the importance of play. In modeling this idea for us she used no fewer than three different delightfully put-on accents (British, Brooklyn?, Jewish?) sprinkled throughout her talk, an easy way to play with your kids just by being. But also she tells us that stacking up blocks, reading books together, making up games in the grocery store and in the doctor’s office waiting room and in the bus on the way to wherever, are the kinds of activities that help children grow emotionally and grow into flexible thinkers, precisely what she says they as individuals and we as a society need now going into the future.

She touted the ideas of the six C’s, the report card of the future. She has us measuring the education of our children in a way that shows their likely ability to make it in the workplace and in the world of 2043, the professional future of today’s preschoolers. She points out that knowing more than others by memorizing facts is an idea already outdated, handily displaced by computers. It is instead Collaboration, Communication, Content, Critical Thinking, Confidence and Creative Innovation that one needs to develop today.

But for me a topic she mentioned only in passing, but truly the one I love most, is that the truth of playing with children is that there is pure joy in it for us as adults. Having kids gives me the chance to do it again because after all playing is by definition FUN. I grant myself the time to do it, recognizing what Dr. Hirsch-Pasek confirms, it is just plain good for kids who benefit in myriad ways we can never fully appreciate, but also because I know it is good for me as well. It is good to indulge in the opportunity to be a kid again, with no worries. It is good to give ourselves a moment of the freedom of free time unattached to expense or obligation or status or any of the other things that typically go with our own adult versions of play. Kid play is different and truly magical if you let it be. Puppets will speak out loud your subconscious for you, and coloring in abstract designs that a Rorschach theorist might enjoy, are moments we do not typically allow. For me, being home alone with little kids, playing and engaging in deliberate eye contact, and building the kind of relationship I never got with my own mother, was a passion that kept us ‘too busy’ to sign up for more organized programs. Playing is important to me.

In the end I had the fun of play with each of my three kids in a game that lasted until each grew big enough to run away to the next phase of life. Yes, I had grown up things to do too, but I allowed myself that release a little at a time (Dr. Hirsch-Pasek suggests two minutes at least) because I am adult and can grant myself whatever I see fit. And playing is good for us all. The time they are little is fleeting, and now, with mine at 21, 18 and 15, play of that nature, the kind that builds kids into who they will someday be, is long gone. When do you get to skip as an adult? You don’t. Time like that is fleeting and boy am I glad I seized it when I could.

See Dr. Hirsch-Pasek’s website for more ideas about playing with kids and building your child’s great big important really cool and competitive future.

Sing to your babies and they’ll sing to you

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, higher power, I have no idea what these tags mean, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, mother, natural talent, parents, relationship, Rock Me Mama, security, singers, teacher, trust, Wagon Wheel, words

Your singing, and the blended voice of song, thrill me
What is this magic that moves me so?
I hear you there

Sing to your kids when they are little and someday they’ll sing back to you.

I used to belt out the Christmas music to my crying babies in mid-July because those were the songs whose lyrics I could remember, and therefore could keep going long enough to capture attention. Oh hark, the herald angels, I would tell my little babes. You’d better not cry, I’m telling you why, sleep, baby, sleep. I’d rock and dance around the nursery with an overtired child stringing together the magic held in songs. I faked like it sounded good because kids are wildly forgiving and unjudgmental, and somehow they hear the beauty hidden between the squawks. My heartfelt intentions cloaked in verse and rhythm and tone could move at least a two year old. And that’s all I needed at the time. The magic carpet of song carried my deep love, my deep concern, my deep desire to help teach how to be in this world, to my children, despite myself. Sleep, baby, sleep.

And what I have learned about singing to your kids when they are little, is that they grow up to think that singing is a way to express. A way to soothe. A way to share. A way to be. And if you are lucky they will sing back to you. Only maybe even better. And so, we’ll be charmed.

Drive away little girl

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being yourself, change, control, dreams coming true, driving at fifteen, express feelings, Father's Day card, fear, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, parents, relationship, security, softball practice, trust

Apparently my husband suggested to our fifteen year old daughter yesterday that she try driving the car. Apparently she said yes and apparently they didn’t kill anybody since they both came home to tell about it. She and my husband had headed out Sunday afternoon for an indoor softball practice a half hour away and discovered when they got there that they were a week too early and had a vast empty parking lot staring back at them. I feel really grateful for my husband when he does things like this.

When the kids were small I had them start a little bound notebook full of birthday and Father’s Day wishes for their father that they would write in instead of buying him cards. (I only wished I’d had them start one for me!) But the pages are filled with drawings and stickers and scrawlings, and eventually block printing and then script handwriting, espousing his virtues. More than once between the pages of that book are references to things Dad would let kids do that Mom would not. Not that I wouldn’t allow driving at a young age, having grown up on a farm I am sure I inspired that idea in my husband. But the truth is, he has been the more lenient parent in some ways, and the kids have noticed.

Now she wants to leave home for a year, like her brother, and see the world and try out her wings, and Dad is blanching white at the thought. I say why not, a true believer in the idea that if you love something you must let it go, waiting to see if it comes back to you.

All I can say is I am glad she has the both of us because we balance each other out.

Real interaction with others

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fear, goals, inspire, Michael Welner, play, psychotherapy, security

A very passionate and knowledgeable forensic psychiatrist on television today said we should nurture creativity and constructive activities for children rather than destructive activities. Yeah! Take a look at this video of Michael Welner and see how he calls each of us to be responsible parents who encourage psychologically healthy activities in our children. Although he talks about video games for older kids I know we would be smart to avoid letting electronic games for our littlest children become substitutes for real interaction with others.

Christmas giving comes in many shapes

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change, crushing debt, dreams coming true, express feelings, friends, goals, helping yourself, higher power, inspire, joy, listening, love, security, solving money problems, teacher, trust

Every year around Christmas I wonder if I am contributing enough to society. There is so much to do and sometimes I feel paralyzed and unsure if anything I offer makes a difference. But today it felt good to be in the role of helping another learn how to become financially responsible. This gentleman has no experience, no training or modeling, and so has made many poor financial decisions and cannot get out from under crushing debt. He has come to the church many times asking for money, but we know that money problems are not solved with money. The underlying issues must be addressed before his money problems will go away. So we are deciding to help this gentleman again, but this time we ask him to attend free budgeting seminars, seek help from human service agencies to reduce some of his bills, and to get government support rather than try to do it all on his own. He has shown himself to be a person who can learn and grow and I am thrilled to be part of a team helping him get on his feet financially. We will give him money in the short term to help reduce the immediate emergency he finds himself in, and we will support him in referring him, and following up very deliberately with direct assistance in teaching him how to manage money by setting priorities and making educated decisions.

This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like my talents are well used.

Sitting with this gentleman and talking about our commitment to help him if he is willing to help himself, feels just as good if not better at giving hope and relief here at the holidays, than any donations we make. Our help to him will last well past the holidays and to me that makes it quite worthwhile.

Pass that baby over here

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being yourself, control, friends, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents, passing around a baby, play, security, teacher

We passed around a baby last night at a dinner party. This kid was happy as a clam, unconcerned that his parents have been away for two weeks while a host of other humans care for him. The guy was a king with everyone mesmerized by his little bird mouth opening and closing for the food being shoveled in as he sat in a high chair plowing through his dinner. Ears craned against the party noise later on to see if that was the baby monitor squawking or the background music on the kid’s video games. The guy cooed and smiled and entertained us all while he rolled through his life full of willing faces.

This is not how any of my kids were raised. The extended family this guy was born into is huge and has arms outstretched to look after him. I’m even sort of in it. There were not so many clamoring hands outstretched towards my kids when they were growing up.

This is one of the great random happenings of life. Rich or poor, in city or country, or whatever the circumstance, you just might be born into a community of people who welcome children and support them, or you might not. You might be born into a place where nobody’s paying much attention. One of the things I’ve learn in life is that it is important to surround yourself with people who lift you up, whether that happens to you naturally or not.

It’s a choice. I used to adopt preschool teachers and kindergarten teachers, Sunday School teachers, neighbors, parents of my friends and any other willing participants into my world of folks who would lift me up and lift up my children with me. Well, actually, I still do this. I understand it is not something I missed out on so much as something I need to go get. My kids’ babysitter is in her thirties now, and just announced she’s having a baby. We will all be there, me and my husband and my kids, among the helping hands that pass around that baby and support him and help him grow in life. I simply owe that favor back to the world and certainly back to my babysitter.