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My Own Personal Sky

~ what I'm learning while growing up

My Own Personal Sky

Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

Teach your kids to be honest about how they feel

03 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by paffenbutler in Being Yourself, Stories From My Childhood

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

being yourself, express feelings, family, Jane Butler, love, Thanksgiving

Here’s why we must teach our children to be honest about how they feel, not squelching emotions and denying the truth. When kids grow up they must use this ability to survive the holidays. Take a look at what I mean:

I went back into scared kid mode this Thanksgiving! It happened, fittingly, when my last baby tooth broke. Yes, I still have one baby tooth that never came out, and the day after Thanksgiving the hors d’ouvres did it in. I have been dreading this my whole adult life, avoiding the inevitable.

There are many turns in this story but the end result is that I was unnerved by both this experience and the ensuing laughing and joking about my tooth problem by the gathered family. I left the room angrily telling people to stop talking to me like this. I went up to my room and looked in the mirror.  I cried. I felt awful.  But eventually I went back downstairs.

By the time I returned to the group people were mad and leaving! I had ruined what had been up until my tooth broke, about the most fun time I’ve had with family ever. We’d been to a terrific show that had us all laughing and howling with delight. And we were happy to be together, as always.

The little kid in me was a mess, though. I had acted out of the fear of the dental work to come and the embarrassment of a missing tooth (right in front) and who knows what else. And I had ruined everything. People were mad.

I pleaded with my sister-in-law not to leave but she said I had been rude and they had to go. I was shocked. I had no idea my feelings could have this effect. Thankfully, I blurted out the truth. I felt afraid of dental work and the embarrassment of a missing tooth. That I had been dreading it my whole life. That I didn’t mean to snap at everyone or leave the group angrily. That it was just me being scared. Upset by the joking. Sorry everybody, I said. It isn’t you, it is me being afraid.

That changed everything. Coats came off, folks would put the dinner together for me. I was told to go upstairs and recover, then get down here and join in the group. And by the way, we love you.

What??? This never happens. People understanding? My little kid mode swears that adults don’t understand, or say they love me. That’s the experience my little self had. People didn’t understand and people didn’t say they loved me.

So, this Thanksgiving weekend, after I’d screwed up pretty bad, I risked telling the truth. Being vulnerable to the rejection I am most familiar with, at least, that is when I am being scared and acting like a child. I was taught through years of training that my problems didn’t matter, my fears were unwarranted and wrong. I was taught to reject my own feelings as invalid and unimportant, and it has taken a lifetime to get that straightened out.

As miserable as this situation was, it worked out well because I told the truth about how I was feeling.

I aim to teach all my kids to do the same.

Daddy’s little girl

26 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by paffenbutler in Being Yourself, Stories From My Childhood, You'll Get Over It, Jane Ellen

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

being yourself, change, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, farm machinery, fear, fire, goals, Hurricane Camille, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, parents, relationship, Thanksgiving, words, writing

Once my father stood in my back yard with me while my kids and I burned a fire in our pit. Dad loved fire. Dad loved old furniture and farm machinery and lots of stuff, but it was always hard figuring out if he loved me. I mention standing in my back yard once because it really was only once. He and Mom didn’t come to us much so the memories are a little thin there. The memories I do have are heavy on him informing me in one way or another, and he was very creative with this, that I was a disappointment, or a bother, or stupid, or some similar thing. Rarely coming to see me or my children was one of these ways.

Boldly after a rare Thanksgiving dinner together I decided to share a story I’d written about my childhood memory of Mom and Dad taking us all camping during Hurricane Camille. Dad announced to the twelve of us gathered, “Your sister thinks she’s a writer, so listen up”. But the suggestion that I only ‘think’ I am a writer is the kind of insidious doubt that keeps me from following my heart and doing what I know I can do. This kind of moment represents the way he interacted with me daily, eroding my self-esteem to the point where I believe with him that I don’t know what I am doing. I see that this kind of talk, which was relentless, Dad taking many opportunities to reduce me, resides in me still and poisons my ability to appreciate my own skills. I can see that it was just to make him feel like a big man. It was so he could feel good about himself, but to do that he had to degrade his innocent kids.

The words parents say to their children follow them around for a lifetime. That’s how powerful the role of parent is. So for me, if I let my intellect get too involved and don’t follow my intuition and my heart, if I am not too careful I have to fight off the notion that maybe I am fooling myself with everything I do. Just like Dad said.

Tempted to set an empty place at the table

20 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by paffenbutler in Being Yourself, Parents

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

being yourself, change, chicken soup, dreams coming true, express feelings, girlfriend home for the holiday, goals, holiday, inspire, joy, love, missing my aunt, parents, relationship, Thanksgiving

Just about a year ago I put up the post below about my Aunt Gretchen and how much I missed her last Thanksgiving. I felt like posting it again today since the sentiment remains. I do not have any relatives when it comes to Thanksgiving. My husband’s family comes in and we have a wonderful time, and I AM so grateful for all of them, but it was my aunt, with her husband, who did come from my side of the family and share the day, and frankly, many days with us. Boy, do I miss her.

I am thrilled to say that my son, Emmett, is coming home for the holiday, and with a girlfriend. This is exciting news for me because it means that one of the goals I set for myself eons ago, to build a happy family where I didn’t have one yet, continues to come true. Having one additional person at the table inspired by my son, delights me because it is proof that in a way my family is growing.

Thanksgiving 2011
Not to bring you down or anything, but I have been having some trouble just getting through these holiday-type days here. For instance, in the middle of making dinner a few nights now I have put my head down on the counter and suddenly started crying because my dear aunt is permanently missing and I have not accidentally forgotten yet. It could have been that I locked myself out of my car today at 7:15am and had to go to class with not a thing in my hands, and then the rest of the day kind of followed that general trend of not-so-greatness, but really, I think it’s about Aunt Gretchen. Instead, tonight the family pitched in and took over so I could cry more comfortably in the living room next to the blankets and pillows and snuggly pets and junk tv. I was brought toast and cookies, unable to manage any joy for the chicken soup I’d made for myself, and I wallowed there a while trying to count my blessings since there are many.

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