Guilty pleasure following paths I rarely tread

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, words, writing

I had a fantastic birthday this year and all because I granted myself permission to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I stayed home to write. And my husband brought me lovely meals to sustain me while I wore myself out crafting sentences and following blind leads down internet paths I rarely tread.

It is a guilty pleasure to spend hours getting lost in conveying ideas through words.

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Speak now or forever hold your peace

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being yourself, change, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, mother, trust, words

When I was little and when my mother was mad at someone, which seemed to be often, she’d say, ‘they’ll see’, or even,’someday they’ll find out’, as if there would be a final day of reckoning. Don’t get me wrong, my mother had a hard life and being mad at folks was absolutely legitimate, if you ask me. But I got the impression, as a child, that there would eventually be a time to confront everyone who had been mean to her or hurt her, and then they’d learn the truth of the situation and be sorry and my mother would feel better. But I watched her life and I know for sure that that day did not come. My mother went to her grave not having said aloud the things that bothered her and that hurt her and held her back. She bit her tongue her whole life; she waited for a day that never came. I was disappointed when I realized that clarity never came for her. She never got to hear the other guys’ side of things or air her own grievances or say aloud her pains or unload her heavy chains. She carried around so much pain with her everywhere she went, and always with the idea that someday it would all be lifted and the truth would shine. But she spent her life essentially waiting to die, if you ask me, because by not saying aloud her truths, her honest feelings, messy as feelings can be, she lost out on a lot of living. If you ask me.

So, as much as I don’t like it either, I am living my life by confronting those who bother me, and addressing the issues of today, today. I would love to imagine that someday, instead, it all comes clear magically to anyone with whom I’ve had an issue, but I have witnessed it going another way. I am not counting on that. I am living now, while I am here, and saying what’s on my mind today and not waiting for some mythical day of reckoning.

Let me out of my life

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being yourself, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, Goodworks, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, Quaker Meeting, security, teacher, trust, words, writing

Yesterday, Sunday, I wrote this.

I have no desire to run into myself today, in fact, I am actively trying to run away, hide, be somewhere where I won’t know what’s on my mind. Others drink, I hide. So at the Quaker Meeting, (and really I didn’t even want to be here because I know that just like when I was a kid, alone in Arden, there is nowhere to go to get away from myself), I sit on the back bench in the corner, eyes wide open hoping to stay present and aware of today, and not fall backwards into memories of what once was. Typically, like most everyone else my eyes are closed, but not today.

Working on my memoir, rewriting it, re-reading it, reliving all the old stories, and tough ones too, is tricky. Reading in detail scenes of me as a young adult afraid my father would stalk and kill me, or remembering finding people for the first time I felt I could trust, and remembering the isolation of a whole childhood, immersing myself in all that so I can tell it to you clearly and accurately, so you can feel the story, too, is dangerous. It’s hard not to relive a little of it and forget that it is all history and no longer really my life. Oh, I wish I could say I don’t suffer from any of that anymore but I do. I do all the time, just not so acutely.

So I am sitting in a back corner of the Meeting House now as I scratch this out on a shred of paper, trying to put myself back together after another early morning session of working on my manuscript. It’s okay, I tell myself, things are different now. I am able to relate, able to feel, able to be, so much better. Yesterday at Goodworks, where we make houses safer, dryer and warmer, I eagerly volunteered to go under a deck in the mud on my belly, with Ed my new friend, to jack it up and put in a new 4×4 support at a joist to lift the sagging boards. I loved it. Thank you, God, I loved doing that. I loved it because of getting dirty, and accomplishing a task with a team, of helping, of it raining and me getting to be among the elements, of comraderie and discipline and patience, and hardly any of that was for the homeowner whose home we were improving.

Earlier this week I told the ten-minute version of my life story to a gentleman I am trying to help through my church, who otherwise would have no way of knowing who I am. I tried to explain why I am so passionate about the things I chose to do. How I feel alone and want to connect. Oh, he felt my passion to help he said, the first time we met weeks earlier, but now he understands it better. I opened my 1983 personal bookkeeping records and walked him through my finances for that year. All I did is read each line, $65 for gas this month, $385 for rent, etc. to show how to make a budget using actual people’s real numbers. Then we moved on to 1990 where I had assets beyond my engagement and wedding rings, and the record was typed and not handwritten. By 1996, it was computer generated and I had Certificates of Deposit. I spent twenty minutes discussing everything I know about how CD’s work before our time was up. The gentleman wondered if we could do this again, and next time maybe discuss money market accounts. I have no special financial training but it seems my past isolation has led me to keep careful records, always aware I am on my own with no one out there to catch me if I fall. But I love life in the moments that I am sharing what I know.

I do these kinds of things to feel like I am part of the human race. To be one of the people who helps and not a lonely person at home disconnected and confused even though that is the default world I sometimes live in when I read my own book too much. Because that is how it used to be.

At the Meeting House I would crawl into the corner behind me and exit my life if I thought I could, because working on my book is hard. But I am determined to finish this year and get it off to publishers and be done with this phase of telling my story. I’ve got my eyes open at Meeting today because I just don’t want to look back.

If only the disaffected kids would write a good thesis

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being yourself, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, relationship, teacher, trust, words, writing

Both of my students came to their piano lessons yesterday, sat down and immediately asked it they could add a few minutes to the timer and set it for 32 or 35 minutes instead of 30! It is a delight to think they want to stay longer.

But what about the kids in English class I must face again today. The ones who grunt in answer to direct questions such as “Can you tell me of an instance in the book where Susanna shows she is smart,” knowing the paper proving some attribute of a character is days overdue. The ones who shut down at the very sight of me, or maybe just any adult or figure of authority. The ones who have been taught that it is a good idea to fear and deny those who reach out to help. The ones who make it plain that somewhere along the line the idea of interacting with others like me is dangerous. It is so unlike the students who embrace my help and seek me out and work with me to lift them up.

I feel for those kids in class who spend more time crafting ridiculous things to say in an effort to get rid of me, than they do crafting anything useful. They could be thinking up clever things to tell the world to get back at whoever or whatever put them in the hole they are in, in the first place. I feel for the kids who cannot see that the best way to get out of their misery is to accept the free education we are offering. What promise these kids hold that they have the angst and anxiety and pain and suffering that would speak so well to the world if they could articulate it and be brave to share it. The disaffected kids of my classroom have much to teach us all about human spirit if only they would learn to organize a sentence and string it with others to make a paragraph, use specifics to prove their points and tell us all to go to hell in a way that makes it clear that teaching kids to fear adults is a bad idea.

That’s why I try to be a piano teacher that the kids enjoy, so they want to come back, and so I can teach them there is at least one adult around who can be trusted. Not that I worry about that for any of my students particularly. But it makes me feel good, just in case.

God was friendly today as usual

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being yourself, change, control, dog, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, friends, friendship, goals, God, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, love, pup, security, teacher, trust, words

I grew up isolated and in the woods so I am always looking to nature for signs of communication. You know, a breeze or a thunderbolt or a special crash of a wave in answer to my question, whether posed aloud or in my heart. And so today is no different, as I have found my whole life, it is good to discuss my problems with the earth. I do not know why, but no one else as far as I can see up and down the beach, wanted to walk along the sand at seven in the morning in February except my pup, who heartily agreed when I asked her. So there I was again, under my own personal sky. I looked out to God and said, “I have stood on these shores countless times in my life, and I have looked out at your grandeur and your beauty over and over. You are always here no matter how many years go by. No matter how many times I look to you to show me the way, no matter how many times I look to you to hear me and see me and know me, and no matter what, you are still out there being solid and present and beautiful. Nothing much seems to change with you, gorgeous sunrise above the earth, but boy, my world sure has changed.”

That’s when I saw the sun, shrouded by gray stormy clouds, peaking out a bit in answer. Oh, yes, I thought to myself, that is how it is, my earth always responds. I can always trust that. Well what about all the troubles I feel, the pains about getting out of my isolation, and trusting that the world can take the frightened person that hides in me? How perfect is it that I feel ready to share myself more, at last, and not let fears rule my life? How perfect is it that you have been standing ready for me to say these words, because you have been sharing yourself and your perfect glory for eons already, so you know what it is. I walked along some more feeding treats to my pup every time she came back from a dig at a crab hole to let me know she is still my friend for life. The clouds shifted and a few tears flew into the wind. I stopped, and as is common for me, I addressed the world directly, after all I could not feel safer than when entirely completely all alone, and I said thank you. Thank you for still being out there for me even though so many people and ideas and hopes and dreams have come and gone. I know I can do this. I know I can carry on and be myself out in the world despite the confusion I feel.

That’s when the sun glided bright suddenly forcing clouds aside to say directly to me in a broad and winning smile, “Yes.”

And that’s when I laughed out loud, because I am sure that one footstep washed away by the sand at a time, I am getting to precisely where I have always been going.

A classroom of challenges

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being yourself, control, express feelings, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, listening, relationship, teacher, trust, words, writing

Friday was one of those days where there was a tiny miracle in English class. Somehow, a young lady and I seemed to be in the correct frames of mind to have our thoughts intersect, despite her typically being hard to inspire. Maybe my quiet approach, and I mean extra quiet Friday, was the right door through which to enter, because for the first time I can remember she took me seriously. She did not dismiss my attempts to help but this time took the bait, hook, line and sinker, and located a quote in the text, read it to me including the difficult to pronounce word ‘nonchalant’ and then committed it to a worksheet she up until then had been staring at for days. Don’t be too impressed. All this happened after I talked with a young man who explained that he was playing a video game on his iPhone to reward himself for answering a question on the quiz he was supposed to be taking, and another who informed me that it was too boring to work on English papers so no thanks for the free help I offered.

As far as my success story goes, it might have been because during our very quiet conversation I asked a few simple questions about the reading, and to my surprise the typically grumbly and unengageable young lady answered me seriously. That’s when I used a method that sometimes is helpful, and that is to quickly write down, verbatim, whatever the student says. “Well, you surprise me,” I said, “maybe I did not realize you could form such effective sentences. These are your words, not mine, and look how great this sounds.” And then I read it back to her. She corrected it slightly which told me she heard what I said. So I said it again in a different way. “I do hope this sentence shows up in your paper somewhere because it is exactly the kind of thing to support your thesis and prove your point.” We spoke a little more and she complained it was hard to find a quote to go along with her idea. I asked if she knew that anything between the covers of the book is quotable, and not just dialogue. Oh yes, she knew that. That’s when she took up the book, turned to a passage and read it to me to prove her own point. “Nice. That works,” I told her. “That goes well with your great sentence, so put them together and you are halfway home.” Another girl I was working with called me over and that ended my time with the difficult girl, but it amazes me how our very quiet conversation was so productive.

Having it happen that we both were in the spirit of working together despite the many days we have failed to connect, gives me hope that we are building a relationship that will result in her growing in her ability to write and express herself so we can all know how she feels. Since she is so quiet all the time.

A child from the trenches

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being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, mother, parents, relationship, security, words

I get so passionate saying the things that I do sometimes because I care so much about passing on the knowledge I’ve gained the hard way, that is, being a parent in the trenches, but more importantly, being a child in the trenches. My own childhood has greatly informed me as a parent, and so I reached parenthood determined to be as conscious and deliberate in my actions as possible.

For me, one of the goals of parenting is to help my child be himself and love himself so he can go out into the world and share his abilities and joys with others, thereby making the world better. I told this very thing to a group of young mothers today, gathered to hear me talk about seizing the moment and making the most of our toughest parenting challenges. I talk about being a generous parent, able to understand that my child’s needs are frequently more urgent than my own. I just love the notion that we as adults are more mature than our children and therefore can be conscious of our needs, able to defer them to a later time. I am talking about using our cell phones, being on Twitter or Facebook or Pinterest and anything else that distracts us from being with our children in the moment. And since I do have needs of my own, I manage this by setting aside time for my children when they ask for it, especially when they are little.

I want to tell as many people as will listen that when children are small is the time to teach them that we have respect for who they are, that we are actively listening for clues about them and the direction they may want to take in life, and that we are willing to put in the time to be with them. These three things send a message loud and clear that we value our children and this in turns creates the self-esteem we all hope for.

I love spreading this message and today I say a grateful thank you to the moms at Fairview Village Church who welcomed me this morning and invited me to expound on these hard-learned lessons.

A song in my heart

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American Idol, being yourself, change, dollar signs in their eyes, dreams coming true, express feelings, fear, goals, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, singers, words, writing

I can tell when I watch American Idol that some people do not have songs in their hearts but instead have dollars signs in their eyes. And when the judges detect no singing ability there, the contestants leave mad, their dreams of becoming rich quick shattered. In the best sense of it the show is about having a story to tell and telling it artistically and passionately, articulately and eagerly, and when that is the case, no kind of money can change those well-sung truths.

The more I watch American Idol, and I mean over ten years running now, the more I dare myself to be as bold as the people on that show. The more time goes by the closer I feel to being ready myself to face the judges. For me it is not a singing competition. It really isn’t a competition at all. And there are really no judges beyond myself. For me it is about being brave enough to finish my book and share my story. I take steps every day toward realizing that dream and so watching American Idol serves to inspire me.

If you know anything about writing you know that there are reasonably no dollars signs in my eyes. The truth is that there is a song in my heart, and when I am ready I plan to be one of the ones singing well.

We are going to have to leave if you don’t stop touching things!

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express feelings, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, listening, love, parents, relationship, trust, words

Here’s what it means to listen to a child.

Here’s what it means to be tuned in to your child.

Here’s what it means to be the grown-up in the relationship.

When you go somewhere and your son or daughter will predictably get into some kind of trouble like touching things he should not or playing pranks on others, or interrupting the overall focus of the family, I believe he is speaking directly to his parents. This is an unspoken message sent in the only way our still undeveloped tiny humans can articulate. It is the best they can do to tell us what they need, much as a baby has only the means of a cry to inform us, young children have only their actions to speak for them, even if they can talk. If they could accurately tell us what they need with their words, every time, they would not be children, they would be adults. We must read between the lines with kids and try to understand what they are telling us by their actions, with the understanding that it is not literal. They are not saying they want to disrupt the fun because they don’t like it, they are saying they have a greater need in that moment. And it may be to feel cared about, and to feel that others are willing to give attention to them instead of to something else.

So if you find your young children interrupting you when you want to talk on the phone or go on Facebook, or when you attempt to do other things, consider that they are trying to inform you in the best way they can, that they want you to be with them and to do your own activities later. That’s how kids are, they don’t understand your point of view, only their own. And as parents our job is to respect that for some part of the day. The happiness looking, most well-behaved, children that I know come from families that have adjusted their lifestyles to accommodate a new way of thinking: one that has the needs of kids reduced to a formula of listening and responding rather than going and doing, buying and having.

Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek plays with us

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being yourself, Dr. Kathryn Hirsch-Pasek, Einstein Never Used Flashcards, games, infant language development, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, mother, parents, play, playing, relationship, security, teacher, Temple University, trust, words

What I liked most about the talk I attended last night is the idea proposed that we, the parents of preschool children, are THE best toy our babies ever have, and that we as people trump anything you can buy or put in front of your child.

This I learned at a talk hosted by the West Chester Preschool Parent’s Club and given by Dr. Kathy Hirsch-Pasek, professor at Temple University and author of the book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards. She is an expert on language development in infants and had plenty to say about the importance of play. In modeling this idea for us she used no fewer than three different delightfully put-on accents (British, Brooklyn?, Jewish?) sprinkled throughout her talk, an easy way to play with your kids just by being. But also she tells us that stacking up blocks, reading books together, making up games in the grocery store and in the doctor’s office waiting room and in the bus on the way to wherever, are the kinds of activities that help children grow emotionally and grow into flexible thinkers, precisely what she says they as individuals and we as a society need now going into the future.

She touted the ideas of the six C’s, the report card of the future. She has us measuring the education of our children in a way that shows their likely ability to make it in the workplace and in the world of 2043, the professional future of today’s preschoolers. She points out that knowing more than others by memorizing facts is an idea already outdated, handily displaced by computers. It is instead Collaboration, Communication, Content, Critical Thinking, Confidence and Creative Innovation that one needs to develop today.

But for me a topic she mentioned only in passing, but truly the one I love most, is that the truth of playing with children is that there is pure joy in it for us as adults. Having kids gives me the chance to do it again because after all playing is by definition FUN. I grant myself the time to do it, recognizing what Dr. Hirsch-Pasek confirms, it is just plain good for kids who benefit in myriad ways we can never fully appreciate, but also because I know it is good for me as well. It is good to indulge in the opportunity to be a kid again, with no worries. It is good to give ourselves a moment of the freedom of free time unattached to expense or obligation or status or any of the other things that typically go with our own adult versions of play. Kid play is different and truly magical if you let it be. Puppets will speak out loud your subconscious for you, and coloring in abstract designs that a Rorschach theorist might enjoy, are moments we do not typically allow. For me, being home alone with little kids, playing and engaging in deliberate eye contact, and building the kind of relationship I never got with my own mother, was a passion that kept us ‘too busy’ to sign up for more organized programs. Playing is important to me.

In the end I had the fun of play with each of my three kids in a game that lasted until each grew big enough to run away to the next phase of life. Yes, I had grown up things to do too, but I allowed myself that release a little at a time (Dr. Hirsch-Pasek suggests two minutes at least) because I am adult and can grant myself whatever I see fit. And playing is good for us all. The time they are little is fleeting, and now, with mine at 21, 18 and 15, play of that nature, the kind that builds kids into who they will someday be, is long gone. When do you get to skip as an adult? You don’t. Time like that is fleeting and boy am I glad I seized it when I could.

See Dr. Hirsch-Pasek’s website for more ideas about playing with kids and building your child’s great big important really cool and competitive future.