Too good to be true?

Tags

dreams coming true, Jane Butler, love, marriage

There’s this guy who has been following me around for years. Like forty or so. Everywhere I look he’s there. And he’s friendly still, and funny, and really level-headed, just like he was back in the 1970’s when I first noticed him. I was nineteen then and I thought he was a stalker and probably a bad person for taking such an interest. But that’s just how I thought back then.

Shush….I hear him coming down the steps right now. He’s been following me around, persisting in being my friend forever. Good thing too, because what did I know as a teenager about selecting a husband? It really wasn’t on my mind. I wanted to try to get through each day and he was out there making it easier, so okay let’s get together.

Despite not really thinking the best of him at first, apparently I did know quite a bit about selecting a husband since I eventually, at the urging of a friend, gave this guy an audience. She said, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see he likes you?” Sure, I told her, but he seemed too good to be true.

What I’ve learned is that my nineteen year-old self wasn’t too weighed down with other thoughts to risk trusting intuition, or instinct or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t let my head get too involved in convincing me he was too good to be true, trying to analyze whether responding to the guy was a good idea or not. And I am not recommending throwing caution to the wind while dating since the older we get the more complicated our lives get, but trusting our intuition should have an equal weight to trusting our intellect.

Obviously I did eventually go out with the guy and he’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just look at the wedding pictures. The photo of us exiting the church hand-in-hand shows me at my happiest, absolutely sure in the moment that I had just committed my life to someone who truly loves me.

Advertisements

Free stuff from God

Tags

Jane Butler, marriage, relationship, wedding anniversary

We are married thirty years as of yesterday so I took a look in my journal where I keep notes on my anniversaries of years past. I started this on our honeymoon and now update it every September.

Last year we went to see a movie called “Beasts of the Southern Wild”. It’s a movie about love. And about relationships. And about how those two things are as valid to one individual and how they experience them as they are to another. In other words, everyone gets their own chance to have these treasures. Even the very poor, as depicted in this movie, have the same strong meaningful love for one another as anyone does. Their poverty does not diminish the power of the love they share and the relationships they hold.

That is because these are God-given human emotions that are the same for all regardless of social class. Sometimes having fewer material things makes the things we do have more evident.

Staying married to the same guy thirty years is a little old-fashioned, I know, but of all the relationships I have had in my life, this, and those with my kids, are the ones that feel the most real.

Seize the celebration whenever it comes

Tags

dancing, Jane Butler, marriage

Yesterday in the early morning hours we danced in a pine grove down by the sea. We were out walking the dog and saw the opportunity to turn a wild space into our dance floor, not that we’re good but we do have fun. A background soundtrack and maybe something smoother under foot were the only things missing that might have made this moment with my husband any sweeter. That’s why all the planning for celebrating our thirtieth anniversary together just doesn’t matter.

This whole I-wish-I-could-dance-with-my-husband thing has gotten great. First he wouldn’t even consider it, and now, suddenly, we are dancing out in the wild. Celebrations happen when you least expect them!

Here’s a former posting about the miracle of my husband’s transformation from a sit-on-the-sidelines-and-watch kind of guy to a real live dancer.

Thank You, Cardboard Cutout Dance Partner
Finally, I get to dance with my husband after years of him refusing, all because of some unintentional reverse-psychology. Early in our marriage I announced my desire for us to learn to dance and he likewise announced his contrary desire. Instead, I flitted around the house whenever I heard music. After we had children I took a few classes but it was frustrating waiting on the sidelines to share the lone male student without a partner on every fourth dance. I took ballet for adults, later salsa by the pool on a Mexican vacation.
Twenty-five years into our marriage I realized my regret and contacted an instructor. As I saw it, if my husband had said, yes, after that first invitation I would have been cutting the rug for a quarter century already, but instead my yearning to dance had been undernourished long enough. The teacher promised to call back if any gentlemen without partners called. A week later I met Sam on the dance floor for the first night of a twelve-week session.
Any fears my family may have had of me being swept off my feet were assuaged by my dinner table stories of the gentleman who was no more interested in dance than a cardboard cutout partner I might drag around the dance floor. Sam was not a threat. Even he was not sure what he was doing there, yet everyone witnessed my disgust when he regularly canceled our dance dates. For me, apparently, a reluctant partner was better than none.
That Christmas I put my wish list on the refrigerator and below ‘new garlic press’ I wrote ‘dance lessons with you‘. My instructors must have been smirking every time I showed up to meet Sam, because unbelievably my cardboard partner had helped set the bar so low, now even
my husband could envision himself dancing. As it turned out he had already placed an envelope from the studio under the tree.
My man generously did it for me but when the time came, although he was game, he was secretly afraid it would be too hard. Now he grabs the dish towel from my hand and suddenly, laughingly, transforms me into a dancing queen.
My explanation for all this is that I respectfully left my husband out of it each time he declined to join me. Likewise he respectfully honored my desire to go on without him. In this way I showed my true love for him and he showed his true love for me. Here in the end the fantastic power of these two forces, love and respect has won out, and is the true reason I get to dance with my husband.

Junk TV accidentally models civility!!

Tags

change, dreams coming true, goals, higher power, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, mother, parents, relationship, security, trust

My daughter and I watched the entire season of The Bachelor on television this Spring, and I am so excited about how it ended. It ended with a decent guy finding a decent girl, jilting a decent other girl who was quite classy in her reaction to being dismissed, seeking to learn more about herself and wishing the happy couple well, and thus highlighting the possibility that this junk TV show could serve to inform millions on how decent people behave. I was most impressed by the father of the bachelor who said he welcomed either of the two possible young ladies his son might select, and that he’d be that girl’s biggest advocate once she joined the family. The turmoil of having to pick a bride on national television, on a timeline, when two outstanding choices were at hand, was managed with prayer, the bachelor told us. Now prayer is a loaded term if you ask me, but I see it as a code word for any kind of soul searching, introspective, meditation or reverence that includes rationally considering many options and waiting to sense clarity after doing so. Argue with me if you want to on that, but that is how I am interpreting what the young man said.

I love the idea that possibly many households across America, mine included, will learn by watching what it is to be loving and kind. This family highlighted support for one another, and as one of the young women said, everyone knew what was going on and everyone was trying to help. In an impressive conversation we see the bachelor tell his mother he values her opinion and will weigh it, but more than anything he wishes for her support whatever he chooses to do. It was the model of loving civility and both of the girls he was considering looked at this family and were delighted at the prospect of joining such a seemingly healthy group of people.

Now who knows what the truth is. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors, or what miracles are generated through skilled editing, but regardless of the validity of the scenes with which we were presented, they represented to me a wholesomeness I wish for all families on earth.

Working on my marriage

Tags

being yourself, cleaning, express feelings, inspire, Jane Butler, Jane Paffenbarger Butler, joy, love, marriage, relationship

I am working on my marriage today. Not that it really needs anything special but it is time. I am not that great at finding good gifts for people, you know, at the store, but sometimes I find a good gift at home, in the living room, where the vacuuming is really needed. I worry about gifts that you buy since I have a lot of things in my life already and I don’t like adding more. It’s tricky. I know, my folks gave a lot of presents, they gave me a beach house for Pete’s sake, but their presents were not what I needed. And I grew up around seriously wealthy people who seemed to have everything you could ever want, and I am not sure that is working out so well either. But there is always that thing we cannot buy that makes a great gift. The time.

My guy is wonderful and he does great things like decide one day to put in recessed lighting because he knows how. The problem is that it makes a giant mess what with all the spackling and sanding of the ceiling afterward. So to show my appreciation for the hours of work it took to improve our home, I take the job I know my guy will do, the clean up, but that he will be thrilled to see I have done for him. And anyway, shouldn’t we dust once in a while? Like behind the sofa and into the corners. So that’s what I am doing today because finally I got a day off from work and noticed the place is a mess. That is, all except for that great new lighting in the living room.

I am taking the time to tell my man that I like it that he did that cool job on the lights, by sprucing the place up just to celebrate and to make sure he knows I think he’s terrific.

When your spouse isn’t who you want anymore

Tags

change, control, dreams coming true, express feelings, forgiveness, goals, inspire, joy, love, marriage, relationship

So here’s the thing: if you love your spouse you do not tell other people, even in jest, how awful they are or how miserable they make you or what lazy SOBs they are. If you love your spouse you save that kind of idea to discuss directly with him in a constructive kind of way. And then when that doesn’t yield the desired results of turning your spouse into the person you were dreaming of it is time to consider the possibility that you yourself may need to change you. I am not saying there are no creepy spouses out there, but giving you the benefit of the doubt, you probably married a great person.

If you change you you might find you have an inordinate amount of power in getting what you want. There are limits of course, but expecting your spouse to magically be who you thought they were going to be isn’t realistic or rational or fair. Your spouse is who he is because in part he’s just spent years hanging around you!

So next time you hear yourself saying out loud that your better half is a creep consider turning YOURSELF into the fantastically thoughtful, loving, generous, you name it, spouse you yourself would like, as a model for the other guy, and then just sit back and see what wonderful things happen.

My lack of common sense has rubbed off on my dog

Tags

hound, marriage, pup, salt water taffy

My pup ate half a box of salt water taffy, wrappers and all, tonight. She waddled around being large and ill, unable to get comfortable since her tummy was distended. My husband and I are pros at getting her to throw up since she regularly ingests things like bars of soap, lemon-scented steel wool pads, chocolate bars, and anything else that’s laying around and smells good. She’s a hound so her nose is fantastic but as you can see she is handicapped in the common sense department.

We forced a couple of teaspoons of hydrogen peroxide down her throat and so then she obliged to show us just what she’d swallowed. She felt better and wanted her dinner after all. Now she’s tired and is sacked out on the couch next to my husband who is also sacked out on the couch.

Some days are like that. Just kind of hard.

In sorrow and in gladness

Tags

being yourself, change, dreams coming true, express feelings, friendship, homemade muffins, husband, listening, love, marriage, mother-in-law, relationship, sad news, take for granted, trust

I woke up last Friday knowing my mother-in-law was likely to die that day, wishing I could go back under the covers and sleep through it all. My first inclination was to try to be the best wife I could be, at least for one day. A friend called and encouraged me in the perfect kind of way, then, I made my guy a special breakfast of homemade muffins, bacon and fruit. It took all morning to accomplish since my foot’s not really up for all that, but in the end I was so glad I’d made the effort. It set the tone for a day of me showing my love for him any way I could. The phone rang just after we finished eating and while we were making plans to catch a flight up to Buffalo to be with family at his mom’s bedside, one last time.

That’s when I renewed my resolve to be there for my husband since now we’d be home with the sad news of her passing, unsure what the future held. Being the best wife I can be has a lot to do with listening and waiting for my husband to tell me what is on his mind. He’s not one to just shout that out. It is not about me asking him how he is, or telling him what I think, or expressing my own emotions or ideas. It is about me being available to him for whatever he needs at a time when, I know from experience, it is hard to get your bearings. I am a talker and a thinker and a doer. Quietly waiting for my attention to be required is challenging for me.

I am not sure how I did by him but at the end of the day I was proud of myself. Making extra space for him, someone I dare to take for granted at times, felt good, and right, and helpful, and loving, and all the things I want for him to be able to count on in me. And for my part, it has been a reminder of what I might strive to be more often.

The animal in my bed

Tags

animals, being yourself, cat, dog, marriage

I got up around midnight and wandered the upstairs, landing in my son’s empty bed because there were fewer animals there. Since I don’t use a pillow, one of my cats has claimed mine, and only at the concession of my dog who often takes a queenly posture on my Posturpedic that later degenerates into a most unfeminine spread eagle sack-out. The other cat, if I am sufficiently unconscious, plants himself literally as close to my face and neck as is possible without allowing his hair up my nose so much as to suffocate me. Round about morning when my breathing is so labored due to animal dander and there is a crushing sensation on my chest, I might wake up just in time to save myself. And when I do I see that my husband, the preferred animal in my bed, is gone.

You might wonder why I don’t shove all these creatures out and reclaim my space. Maybe it’s their tenacity, but maybe it’s just that right now it is pretty sweet to snuggle up in the sheets of my little boy who is a big guy now, and soon won’t be here much at all. I guess it’s all because I’d ruined my well-established sleep rhythm by sleeping-in for fourth of July, and then likely a failure to exercise enough on the third of July, despite two trips to the pool to do laps.

This all had me roaming the halls thinking up silly pieces to post, like this one.

My fancy thing-finding business

Tags

being yourself, dreams coming true, express feelings, listening, lost glasses, love, marriage, relationship, trust, words

It happens from time to time that someone mentions off-handedly that they have lost something. I often feel inspired to help them find it using my not-exactly-patented thing-finding process. In no time our discussion has led to a eureka moment and the person heads off to check a quite likely location. And lots of times it turns out that they find whatever it is.

So it has become a personal challenge. When my husband lost his glasses in the back yard a few days ago I used my usual means to help him locate them. But it was difficult because he frequently jumped ahead in the conversation to dismiss my supposed idea of where the glasses might be. But the truth is, I have no agenda. I do not suppose to know where or even suppose to figure out where the lost item is. I always expect the person, slowed down to a conscious awareness of where the lost item was last seen and the events just after, to tell me where it is. How would I know?

But with my guy it didn’t work. He wouldn’t slow down and let me lead the conversation. He wanted to try to guess what I was doing. He was not being cooperative. So I was pondering this difficulty between us, and staring at the shelves in the garage wondering if the glasses had somehow landed there, a guess based on the conversation we did have about the sequence of events, when he came out and I confessed to my thoughts. Frustration with him.

This led to another conversation, mostly me complaining that he is a difficult customer for my lost-thing-finding-business. This led to another series of words that ended with us together, surprisingly, locating the three-days-lost glasses behind the garbage can.

Eureka!